little mrs. mason

Different...

2011-11-28T21:29:00.001-08:00

This phase of our life is a little different than the past.

David and I have time together. We spend most nights hanging out, as opposed to most nights in different states.
We are not merely scraping by. We do not have to wait to get groceries until the paycheck comes through at midnight.
I am not a part of the walking dead. I actually have time to see my family and friends. I have time to just sit and talk.

After surviving for so many years, we are finally living. It is a new feeling. It is hard to get used to. I don't quite trust it. But I am trying to. We are taking leaps of faith. As all other situations prior to this, I am sure I will get used to it. I am sure this "pinch me, am I dreaming?" feeling will probably come to an end. I hope it lasts a while.

Thank Goodness!

2011-10-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

I am done with school and studying!

I have passed my state boards and am now a RN in the state of Oregon. It was a whirlwind the last couple days. It started on Wednesday morning when I was at my mother-in-law's house with two of David's sisters. We were planning out holiday festivities and I got the email. I had been cleared to schedule my boards. I ran over to the computer and looked for the next date I could test. I found out that I could test the very next day outside of Seattle. So, 30 minutes later I had booked a hotel room across from the testing center and was filled with nervousness.

I had been working towards this day for 5 years. David and my family have stuck with me and supported me through all the craziness. Along the way, I have cried, laughed, cried, had many sleepless nights and gained a best friend. Who knew that the girl that I met disecting a mouse that first day of anatomy and physiology would be my best friend for life?

Everyone that I talked to said that the night before do not study. Take the day off, do something to keep your mind off of things and have a glass of wine to help you sleep. I had been studying for weeks, since before graduation, but it was definitely hard to put the books down and not get one last cram session in.

I headed to Seattle. On the ride I listened to a sermon from one of my favorite pastors, Greg Boyd. It was all about freedom. I realized how afraid I was that I was going to fail. Even though I did well in all my classes and had great grades and had studied, I was still afraid. It was a huge opportunity to give my fear to God and just TRUST.

I got to the hotel room at 11pm and took a hot shower. I then curled up with a vegan snickers bar and a glass of champagne. The champagne made me nauseous (which is weird bc I love champagne). I ate the snickers bar and read my book until I feel asleep. I woke up at 5 am the next morning, I would say I was nervous but nervous doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I convinced myself to sleep a little longer. Then at 6:15am, I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep any longer. I put on my running shoes and headed to the gym at the hotel. 2.5 miles later, I headed to the shower. At 7:20am, I headed across the street to the testing center. At one point in my walk, all I could think was "God, please do not let me throw up. I can't do this alone. Please just be with me."

Then I got to the testing center. After 4 fingerprints, a mug shot, 4 palm scans and one degree less than a cavity search I was in front of the computer. The NCLEX is an adaptive test, which means that depending on how you answer questions you either get easier or harder questions from there on. Also you can get a minimum of 75 questions or a maximum of 265 questions. Once the computer has decided that you have either passed or failed, the test shuts off.

I got 75 questions. Which to me meant that I either did really well or totally screwed up. I had no idea how I did because most of my questions were select all that apply, which are so hard. You can get 2/3 right but that 1 you didn't pick means you got it wrong. I headed back to the hotel room feeling some relief but sick to my stomach that it was over and now I just had to wait for my results.

I took my little sister to lunch and hung out with her for a couple hours, she is living in Seattle going to SPU. That was so much fun. She is such a cool lady and it definitely helped me take my mind off things.

I got back to Portland and went to my friend Emily's where I promptly asked her where her wine was. I had 3 glasses and enjoyed laughter and talk with her and a couple other lovely ladies. I got home and finally fell asleep only to wake up every couple hours and check to see if my results were online yet. I had even called David and asked him to hide my study book so that I couldn't go back and try to look up all the answers to the questions that I thought I remembered. Because in my mind of course someone was working at the Oregon State Board at 3am just to post my results.

The next day was TORTURE. This is putting it lightly. I was working, luckily my best friend Meghan was there. I don't know how she put up with me, I was a nervous wreck. Finally at 3pm, I called the Oregon Board just to ask when they uploaded new licenses (that is how you figure out if you passed, when the board gets your results they issue your license and then you can look it up online). After 5 minutes of being on hold, I was told that I had passed and that my license would be up that afternoon. I FREAKED OUT. Poor Meghan, I almost took her out in my excitement.

That night I celebrated with my wonderful husband, Meghan and her husband Will. Meg made an amazing dinner, bought me flowers, cake, 3 kinds of ice cream and a card. I am so lucky to have a friend like her. It was a great night. The perfect kind of celebration.

So thank goodness it is over. I am beyond grateful to all my family and friends who stuck with me through this long process. I am so thankful for my relationship with God, without which I would be in an insane asylum or bar drunk somewhere. I am so appreciative of my husband who believed in me all along the way.

I feel so privileged to even have had the opportunity to go to school and see my dreams fulfilled. I feel like I need to pinch myself...

I am back from the land of the nursing school dead... now we just need to get Meghan through school :)

TODAY IS THE DAY...

2011-09-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

I get my diploma. The t's are crossed and the i's are dotted. Everything is in. I walk across the stage and finish this stage of my life. It has been a long time coming. I am so thankful for the support of my family and friends. So thankful to my God who was my strength and hope through it all. Thankful beyond words.

And ready. Let's finish this!

pinching myself...

2011-08-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

I have been having continuous moments where I wonder "is this really my life?".

This summer has been a whirlwind. I am home. I live 1 mile away from one of my closest friends and her precious new baby girl. I am in the same state and city and home as my husband every night. I see my mom and sister all the time. I am back with Meghan and Ali...

And I am at OHSU in the Peds emergency room. And I got offered a job there. And I am done with school. I just have to pass my boards and I am an employed nurse.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been patient with me over these past 5 years as I got to this point. I appreciate your love, support and patience more than you know.

I am humbled and blessed beyond belief.

It has been way too long...

2011-06-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry friends. I haven't written in a blue moon. So much has been happening. Life has been a whirlwind.

I flew home last weekend to watch my lovely baby sister graduate from high school. She graduated in the National Merit Society, and is headed to Seattle Pacific University next year. I am so proud!

I swear we are all biologically related. I love the women in my family so much!

I had my last day of work at St. Joe's. It is kind of surreal. I made so many great friends, memories and learned so much.

My little empty work locker.

Krystie and I had a ladies night and last minute decided to go to a burlesque show in downtown Denver. It was so much fun! I have always wanted to go to a show there, and it was well worth the wait.

post test glass of wine...

the burlesque hall...

Krystie had her bachelorette party last weekend. Bethany, Lashon and I had so much fun dancing. These girls are priceless. We have all grown so much in nursing school together and they are like sisters.

three amigos...

my dearest Denver love...

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

I have 3 tests left in my nursing school career.

(this does not count the ones I will take at the end of the summer, But those are just practice NCLEX tests. And of course the actual NCLEX. But right now my glass is not even half, but 7/8 FULL!)

There are not words that describe what the past year and change have been like for me. I have grown so much. I have learned lessons that I will never forget. I discovered a deep love for gross bodily fluids. I learned that I have no interest in doing labor and delivery nursing, but think that mom's are super heros. I have made friends that I will have for the rest of my life. I had my first hospital job and got to see so many cool things and am so thankful for all the nurses who took me under their wings. And now some nursing school photos.... These are worth way more than a million words.

Bethany hard at work studying. Serious business.

That is Lashon's whole entire fried catfish lunch, complete with fried okra. Without Lashon, I would never know what a entire fried fish looked like. This is a lunch you don't mess around with.

Late night operation with Katie and Bethany. This is what happens when studying turns to wine and laughter.

You can tell how much we loved our OB class. disclaimer- Bethany actually loves babies and suicide is not a laughing matter. We just HATED this class.

Sample reading list for just one class for just one week.

Lucy and Bella with their new best friend, Bethany's dog Lady.

Proper enema positioning. I am so glad that we got to clean out supply carts that day.

It was weird that Emily had a picture of me and Bethany running on her power point presentation.

A little break from school.. Bethany and I ventured to the mountains to watch Weezer. We met up with Liz and Jesse, had mexican food, hitched a shuttle ride halfway back to the car and then decided that jogging in Uggs was a GREAT idea.

Bethany trying on Metiman's wig. This is how Metiman becomes Metiwoman.

Bethany on the big screen in Sim lab.

Sim lab slurpee run with our favorite Nick.

Oat Cell lung cancer poster presentation. Thank you God that I never have to do the med surg 2 lab over.

Practicing IV and foleys for my med surg 2 lab check offs. Thank you Katie for donating your hand and your bathroom to the cause.

Winter park getaway. Weird that we look like the guys from Home Alone. Obviously I get to be Joe Pesci.

And there you have it. Hope you enjoyed :)

All about me.

2011-05-04T18:57:00.001-07:00

This time, the change is mine. It is all about me.

All I know is that my husband loves me and is very very patient.

5 years...

2011-04-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Five years ago I married the man who would become my best friend. Through all the laughs, smiles, hugs, kisses and tears I am glad to have married him.

On a little beach, just us and a judge we said "yes, I choose you".

I love my husband. I am not perfect. He is not perfect. Our marriage is not perfect.
But it is us. And it is a blessing. And because of it, I am a better woman and have a deeper understanding of God.

So that makes me a rich woman.

Lessons learned...

2011-04-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

9 years ago, I learned some lessons that have changed my everyday life.

1. Always make sure that those you love know how you feel.
2. Never walk away angry.
3. Spend time, invest energy and love those you care for.
4. Never take tomorrow for granted.
5. Real love is worth every risk, every I'm sorry and every tough conversation. It is precious.

I am thankful to have known Max. He changed my life for the better. I am a better woman for having known him. Even 9 years later, his gifts to me are still priceless.

About that time...

2011-04-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of days. Summary:
1. A little excerpt from Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis when I first woke up.
2. Geared up and went to Coor's field to watch SF Giants batting practice. This gave me motivation for-
3. Went running, a little speed work 1600 repeats @7:41/mile with 800 jogs in between.
4. Studied for 8 hours for tests this week.

I wish I could understand the exhilaration of baseball. It makes me feel like a nerd and a kid because I get so excited. But I think another aspect is that it is something bigger than me. It unites people. It is cool to see players that encourage and inspire kids all over the world. We all want to touch something bigger than us. It is easy to fixate that on a team, a player, a singer, any celebrity. I think celebrities are in some ways our modern day clay idols.

Really, they are people. Just like us.

What we really search for is found anywhere we are, if we slow down enough to listen to it.

Maybe someday I'll get better at slowing down. I really hope so.

one more versatile blogger...

2011-04-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

I do not know how I could have forgotten one of my very favorite blogs.
If you are creative, love vintage, like tutorials or just want to be inspired, please check out Love of Laundy, by my dear friend Kelly.

xo

Superstudent...

2011-04-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

Is knocking at the back door trying to get in.

I don't blame her. It is raining and cold outside.

But I am going to keep the door closed.

I am prepared for my quiz tomorrow and I have all Friday morning until 3 to prepare for my next quiz. These are quizzes, not tests.

I have been studying on and off all day today, with the exception of eating and going to the dentist. (That is a whole other story.)

So, I am locking the backdoor. It is time to relax, watch Grey's Anatomy, paint my nails and TRUST GOD.

So even though she is knocking and it makes me a little anxious, she is not coming in.

a new adventure...

2011-04-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

The precursor to this post is an excerpt from Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell.

"I was split.

I had this person I knew I was made to be, yet it was mixed in with all of these other... people. As the lights were turned on, I saw I had all this guild and shame because I wasn't measuring up to the image of the perfect person I had in my head... Superpastor is always available to everyone and accomplishes great things but always has time to stop ad talk and never misses anyone's birthday and if you are sick he's at the hospital and you can call him at home whenever you need advice and he loves meetings and spends hours studying and praying and yet you can interrupt him if you need something- did I mention he always puts his family first?

I am not superpastor... I had this false sense of guilt and subsequent shame because I believed deep down that I wasn't working hard enough. So I had one choice.

I had to kill superpastor.

If we don't know who we are are or where we're trying to go, we put the people around us in an uncomfortable position. They are doing the best they can with what they have, but sometimes we haven't given them much, have we?

AND THEN WE BEGIN TO PURSUE BECOMING THE PEOPLE GOD MADE US TO BE..."

I read this in bed this morning with the puppies and started thinking. What is MY superpastor?

Superwife.

Superfriend.

Supernurse.

Superstudent.

I noticed that Superchristian was not on my list. I realized that slowly and surely I was buying into the lie that being these super things to others meant that I was achieving Superchristian.

Time to rethink that one.

Time to revisit the balance between being who we think we should be and how God made us. Time to resist the temptation that who we think we should be is really who God made us.

I need to remind myself that this isn't true.

First temptation for me:

I have gone down to part time at work for my last quarter of nursing school.

I did this for a couple reasons.

1. David is home and can work so that obviously makes this possible.

2. It is spring and my last couple months in Denver and I wanted to be able to pour into friendships that I haven't had time for.

So why, when my friends want to hang out, do I think about how I should be studying instead?

I have been in superstudent, superbusy mode. If I am not at work, I am at school. If I am not at school, I am studying. If I am not studying, I am eating or sleeping.

So I am going to take Superstudent out back and take care of her once and for all.

I believe that God has given me gifts that make me a great nurse. I do not need to feel guilty for not spending every extra moment with my nose in a book. If I did great in school working full time, I will be able to succeed working part time and spending some time with friends.

Even as I write this it makes me nervous. Will it really work??

But I believe that God has created us for relationships. I believe that if I stay true to who I really am (someone who dearly loves her friends and family) then the rest will fall into place. It will still require work and commitment to school but it doesn't need to be every waking minute.

The first step to killing superstudent is opening the back door.

So tonight when I have the choice to study all night (when I will be studying all day as well) or hang out with dear friends... I am choosing friends.

The back door is open. Come on superstudent, let's step through...

Versatile Blogger Award!!

2011-04-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

One of my very favorite blogs is my friend Kesha's. She writes about her adventures with her two beautiful daughters, her ongoing love affair with her husband, her friends, her dreams, her frustrations, and her God. She continually inspires me with her honesty, humor and style.

This week I was reading her blog and noticed my name. She gave me such a fun award, The Versatile Blogger Award.

Here are the rules of this award:

When you receive the versatile blogger award…thank the person who gave you the award{thanks, Kesha!}
Link back to their blog in your post
Tell seven things about yourself
Award seven recently discovered bloggers
Contact the bloggers to let them know they received the versatile blogger award

7 THINGS ABOUT MYSELF.

1. I am married to a wonderful man. We have our 5 year anniversary coming up this month and I am so excited. We were such babies when we first got married.

2. My family is one of the most important things in my life, next to God. I am truly blessed to have great relationships with both my biological family and David's family.

3. I have heard it said but you really truly do meet friends for life in nursing school. She is like a sister. We eat, sleep, cry, clean up poop, and go crazy together.

4. I love to run. I have completed 2 full marathons and more 1/2 marathons than I can count. I am looking forward to being done with nursing school so that I can get back to running again. Hopefully doing a race with this lovely lady.

5. Friends are the next thing of importance in my life, next to family. I choose quality over quantity for sure. The people in my life mean the world to me. They are family...

6. I am a dork. If you know me well, you know this to be true.

7. Last but not least, I have a new found love of baseball. I will watch games alone, I keep myself updated on game schedules and scores. I married into a family that loves the SF Giants, and I bought in hook, line and sinker.

AND NOW....

Passing on the torch to 7 of my favorite bloggers.

1. My mom. So many of my friends already read her blog, but if you haven't, get ready to fall in love.

Wrinklerella

2. Jami Davis. She is fabulous. Her story will inspire you. She is woman of faith, love and hope.

Colour Her Hope

3. Melanie. She has started a new project called Give Back Today. Not only is she a dear friend but she will inspire you to get off your butt and do something to MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

Give Back Today

4. Ali Murray. Photographer and Martha Stewart for the 20 something.

Enough said.

5. Chelsa is a photographer, mom and world traveler. Her stories and photos are priceless. Plus the music on her blog is awesome!

Ben and Chelsa

6. Austie Eckley, makeup artistry and design.

Pure Genius!

7. Dearest Sandy Jones. Tattoo Extraordinaire. Brother.

Virtue Tattoo

Happy Reading Dear Friends!

Nursing school is hard...

2011-03-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

At the end of the day, after all the "it's not fair"s and the frustration, I failed my check offs today. It is not the end of the world. I get another chance next week. It did give me an opportunity to remember some things I know to be true, but lost sight of.

1. Nursing school is hard. It is not fair and that is just the way it is. It doesn't mean that we won't be great nurses, that we are any less competent. It just means that it is hard. I can not control anything other than myself. I made a mistake today. It doesn't mean that I don't know what I am doing, or that I am putting a patient at risk. It just was a mistake. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect... which brings me to my second lesson.

2. I do not have to be perfect. I don't even have to be a perfect nurse or a perfect nursing student. It is easy for me to get caught up in the competitiveness and lose sight of the important things. I am OCD which works really well for me in school. I have self control and focus. However, I am not ok with being focused at the expense of my relationship with others and with God. Sometimes, I do so well in school because I don't let myself up for air. My focus and control are a double edged sword. I spent some time in prayer today and remembered how much easier it is when I slow down a little. There are sacrifices to be made in school. I can't go out whenever I want. I don't have a ton of extra time. But the last time I went to church was before Christmas. For me, my relationship with God is what grounds me. It is the reason I am in school. He is my backbone, peace and strength. I have been trying to go it on auto-pilot. I was not created to fly alone. If the only thing I gained today was a renewal of that relationship, it was deeply worth it.
Which brings me back to my point. I don't have to be perfect. I don't even want to be, when I really get quiet and think about it. I only want to be the nurse that God created me to be. I will be that nurse.

3. I will be the nurse that God has made me to be. God will be with me and I will make it through school. It may not look like what I pictured. I have already seen that happen to classmates who I know will be great nurses. Just because some don't fit into the DSN box perfectly doesn't mean anything other that just that. The mold made at our school is not one size fit all. That is ok. We will be great nurses and we will get through this. One step at a time and with each other.

4. With each other. None of us is in this alone. I am so blessed to have my family, my husband and God. I am also so blessed to have the friends and classmates I do. The hugs and encouragement I received today humbled me. I think about the individuals I am surrounded by and I am humbled. Each one of my classmates is unique and gifted in different ways. That is what will be the future. There are a hundred perspectives, backgrounds, passions and giftings that will change the lives of patients around the world. I am humbled by the strength, intelligence, compassion, dedication and love that I am surrounded by. I truly respect each of you.

5. God is good. At the end of the day, after everything God is good. I have been in between boulders and I am never alone. I am not alone now. I can only do my best and everything else is in God's hands. What a safe place to be. I am thankful that my God can not only move boulders, but also mountains.

Today was humbling and hard, but also inspiring and life giving.

"Light shines in darkness for the godly. They are generous, compassionate and righteous....
Such people will not be overcome by evil. Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly."

Psalm 112

My mom kicks SERIOUS BUTT!

2011-01-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

My mom was in town a couple weekends ago. She is seriously the coolest woman I have ever met. This last year was a roller coaster for her to say the least. She has embarked on a new life. When my stepdad said that he couldn't see a future where he was happy and in relationship with her, she took the courageous route. There was also a 27 girl in his picture.

Instead of hoping he would change his mind and come back, she decided to take care of herself. He moved out, she had papers drawn up, she ended unhealthy communication with him and she set out on her own new life.

She was unsure of what the future held, and in many ways still is. One of the things I have reminded her of over and over again is how much she has to offer and what an awesome woman she is! She is kind, courageous, resourceful, successful, honest, loving, fun, funny, gracious and is full of integrity.

Since her new life has started she has-

1. learned to cook, and I mean really cook.

2. Gone out with friends and discovered that she doesn't mind staying out late.

3. Had a Christmas and Thanksgiving with those who really love and care about her.

4. Redecorated.

5. Reprioritized her life, with what is important to her.

6. Lived each day to the fullest of what that day offers.

AND.....

7. Came to Denver to visit me. While she was here we:

cuddled, napped, laughed, ate Indian food and the best vegan food in town, went for a walk in the snow, played Canasta and Bananagrams, made the windshield wipers our bitch AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....

We went to the wind tunnel. Some of you may know that in the last year my mom became a licensed skydiver. There is a wind tunnel in Denver that simulates free flying. When she goes there she can practice all the skills that make sky diving fun. The first day I just watched. Then she offered to let me use some of her tunnel time. I felt like a nerd but LOVED it. It was so much fun!

And we got videos documenting the whole thing...

You can read my mom's version of her visit at her blog. If you are not a follower of Wrinklerella, you really should be. You will not be disappointed.

So without further ado...

That's me above....

And then my mom..

The Green Girls can fly :)

Happy New Year!

2011-01-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011.

It is a new year with big changes.

David is done with school! He is graduated. With a degree. And not leaving for 6 months at time without me. It feels good. It is so comforting to have him home. The first couple days were hard, really hard. But each day we find new rhythms, things to joke about, feel safer and grow back into the unit we were. He has been traveling the last two years. When he first came home, he felt like a best friend and a stranger all at the same time. The kind of stranger who has seen you naked, heard you fart, listened to your bad jokes, smelled your morning breath, seen you at your prettiest and your worst but who gives you butterflies and you have to search for the right words to say. It is disconcerting and comforting all at the same time.

This year I will graduate. We will move back to Portland. Which brings up questions. I want to do nursing in an emergency department. Most ED's have new grad programs. They hire a new grad, train you and pay for your certifications. This also means that you have to make a time commitment to that hospital. This is usually 2-3 years long.

Our families are in Portland and at some point we want to start a family. So do we make Portland our "home base"? For years we have only ever considered buying a home outside of the US but these days making a home in Portland sounds smart. The fear is putting down roots and not leaving or traveling again.

A home for me is something that I long for. It is hard to invest emotionally and financially in making a building a home if it is temporary. I like to have something strong to stand on. I have been tested in this since David and I have been married.

He is comfortable being a different place every couple months. A home is where he is. It is not contained in a building or a place. He can use any surface as a diving board. I like to use something firm I can jump off of.

I want to travel. I even want to spend years outside of the US with our children someday. But I have a deep desire to create and nest. To have a place to call my own. A place that is all ours. I want to paint and make holes in the walls and change the flooring. I want to invite people into our home. I want to have a permanent guest room for friends and family. Hostessing gives me joy. I have missed it since being in nursing school. :)

So what to do?

The answer isn't clear. But we are both praying and trying to be open to each other's ideas, perspectives and thoughts.

David and I are going to take a trip together when I am done with school. Originally I wanted to backpack through Europe, exploring old churches, museums and coffee shops. Not exactly what David was hoping for. So we compromised and thought of places that we would both like to go. Somewhere far away. Somewhere different. Somewhere we can find things to eat. We decided on Thailand tentatively. Have you been there? Have you been somewhere else that you would suggest?

I will save Europe for a girls trip or maybe tag along with my dad one year.

Little updates, big changes ahead.

Christmas/Holiday Newsletter 2010

2010-12-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

2010-12-05T12:14:00.000-08:00

God you are so good.

Thank you for always knowing my heart. Thank you for meeting me in the hard places. Thank you for being in the middle of and the source of my joy. Thank you that no matter what you go nowhere. When I am alone you are there. When I am laughing you are there. You hold me so tightly. Thank you that you desire us to crawl into your lap so you can comfort us, rejoice with us and just hold us. The depth of your love is unfathomable. Thank you for blessing David and I. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

There are days when my heart aches. And you are there. Thank you.

Birthday wish list...

2010-11-27T17:10:00.000-08:00

end is in sight...

2010-11-19T17:15:00.000-08:00

David comes home in less than a month.
My mom will be here for Christmas.
Two weeks of classes left before finals.

I am ready for a break. I am ready to see my husband. I am ready to have some fun!

my heart hurts...

2010-11-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

i feel all over the place. my head is running all over the place. there has been so much loss in my life lately...

my stepdad leaving my mom and sister. our beautiful eisley going home.

sometimes i feel like my heart is breaking. i am indirectly involved in both of these situations.
my stepdad and i were never close. but my mom is my best friend in the world. i hate that either my mom or sister have to ever feel for even a split second that they are "leave-able". they are not.
to lose a daughter. i can't imagine. i don't have words. my dear friend jami is walking a journey that i wish i could save her from. i wish i could swoop in. i wish i had magic words for my mom, for my sister, for jami. i don't. i only have love. i have a heart that aches with theirs to offer.

i miss david. i feel alone without him. i know he is coming back and sometimes i feel selfish missing him in the midst of everything. he is coming back. this is only a season. my sorrow is for a season. feeling the sorrow of missing him and knowing how my heart hurts reminds me of the pain in the lives of those i love. i wish he was here. i wish he could hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. that god is good and loves us beyond belief.. the things that you know are true deep down but sometimes it sounds so good to hear from someone you trust and know would never lie to you, even to make you feel better.

one of the ways that god made me is with a soft heart. my heart feels joy, love, pain, disappointment, triumph... it senses and feels the hearts of those around me. i am comfortable with being with others who are in pain. i think this is one of the reasons i feel so strongly called to nursing. to share in pain. it hurts, but it is real and beautiful. and to share in pain is to also share in joy. i would never ask for a different burden to bear, but sometimes it feels heavier.

there is pain. there is love. there is grace. there is life. i am tired. tonight all i can do is curl up with my puppies, hug myself, cry tears that i store away and know that this is only a season.

i am so inspired by the women in my life. a girlfriend who is fighting to see herself the way god sees her. a sister who is growing up so quickly and beautifully. a family who wakes up every morning seeing truth and looking for hope. a mom who is learning how to love herself.

i am lucky to call these women friends.

Inspiration...

2010-10-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

My mom is a constant inspiration to me. Her strength, beauty and pursuit of truth are halmarks of her character. I feel so blessed to have her as a role model. Throughout this whole situation with my stepdad she has worked fearlessly toward a new future. She is my best friend. I can tell her anything. She gives me advice and tells me things I need to hear, even if I don't want to hear them. I am so thankful for our relationship. Her desire for growth and truth inspire me daily.

My husband also inspires me. He is such an amazing photographer. He sees things differently than anyone I have ever met before. This challenges me and pushes me to look at things in a new light. He has taught me compassion, for myself and others. He has taught me the meaning of love. Not the happy, smiley lovestruck giggles, but the good, deep down, feel it in your belly even when you are crying love. He travels, loves adventure, loves meeting new people and trying new things. Without him, I think I would be a hermit. I am tempted to stay home with my favorite book every night. He makes me desire something more and is patient when it takes me a long time to make my desire a reality. He is patient and kind. He has dreams. Dreams for he and I. He is constantly looking at how we can grow. He pushes past the mediocre and dreams for me. I appreciate this about him and don't tell him enough. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough or am not enough for him, then I remember that he loves me. It is not about me not doing enough, but him always moving us forward. For this I am grateful.

My dad inspires me. Our relationship has changed SO much over the years. We are at a place where we can honestly talk and love eachother in ways that were not possible before. I was always "poppy's girl" and sometimes that got us into trouble. He was sometimes too easy on me and I sometimes took advantage of it. I am still poppy's girl, just a grown up version, who has an amazing relationship with a dad who loves her enough to tell her the truth even when she doesn't want to hear it.

My sister inspires me. She is creative, dramatic, and incredibly smart. She has fought so many personal battles over the last couple years. One of the biggest is staying true to herself during the turmoil of adolescence. She has excelled in school in ways I did not at her age. She has self respect and a strong sense of self at almost 18. She is beautiful and graceful. She has grown into herself beautifully. I am proud of who she is, proud she is my sister, and excited to see what the future holds for her.
I am truly blessed...

My friend Jami inspires me. The thing that first drew me to her was her vulnerability and honesty. She has a beautiful way with words. I started reading her blog as she was the wife of a good friend of David's. The thing I admire about her most is her transparency. She is honest when it is scary, dirty and real. She recently lost a precious baby girl. Her struggle, faith and hope have been an inspiration to me. I don't think she realizes how many people are drawn to her and appreciate who she is. She is a blessing in my life.

I feel like my heart is all over the world. A huge piece is with my mom and sister in Oregon. Another big piece is with my dad in Oregon. Another great big piece is with David in South Africa. I feel disconnected and all over the place. I am in constant prayer. I am humbled, I am on my knees. I am speechless for the grace and love I have witnessed. I am ok. Somedays I am sad. Most days I can find something to make me truly happy. Everyday I am grateful.

New Seasons..

2010-10-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

This summer was blessed. It was full of sun, joy, truth and adventure. I finished another term at nursing school, this time with straight A's. We moved downtown and in with an amazing roommate. My mom got her "wings" and can skydive alone. My sister geared up for senior year. I was surrounded by women in my life who I love deeply.
I had many adventures with a new friend who has become a soul sister and kindred spirit. Jaden, who I know from work, has been a God-send. She is able to sit with me, in the middle of the muck (be it her muck or mine). She is real. She is beautiful inside and out. We laugh and sometimes cry. I am blessed beyond words to add her the list of those who have a special place in my life.

This fall has been hard.
David and I had many hard conversations. I will blog about them at some point. There were tears and scary moments, but I am happy to say we are on the other side and are stronger for it. His traveling has been much harder in the last month or so, and we are starting to feel the effects of his being away. This is his last trip and we are both glad for it.
Friends of mine have been deeply affected by loss. This breaks my heart for them and I am constantly on my knees.
Lastly, and most recently. My step-dad left my mom a week ago yesterday. I spent the first couple days in a daze. Then I flew home on Thursday to be with my mom. We have done a lot of hugging, crying, holding each other and some laughing.
It is hard because I don't believe we have the whole story. I don't think we ever will. He said and did a lot of hurtful things. There is a girl my age who is involved. I don't know to what degree. It doesn't even matter. He is gone and he left pain in his wake. He never fought to stay and he never tried to work it out.
I saw him when he came by the house to get some stuff. I wanted to scream at him and hit him but I sat quietly, praying for peace for myself. He told my sister and I that we had been the best. I sat and listened. I don't have the same relationship with him that my sister does. I was much older than her when he came into the picture. I hate him for causing so much pain. I will forgive him at some point, but I will never trust him again and what he did will never be ok with me.

Please cover my mom and sister with your prayers. Pray for hope, peace, acceptance and protection from the enemy.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring.

The Green Girls...

2010-10-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

Recently, it feels as though the rug has been ripped out beneath us. You can read the story here. I flew home yesterday to surprise my mom and sister. I needed to just be home. I am so thankful to Jon and Joyce for helping me fly home. It means the world to me.

Right now I can offer love. I don't have answers, but I have hugs, hope, back rubs, and love. Please pray for hope, peace, comfort and rest for my mom. Please also pray for my sister's heart.

We are the Green Girls, and nothing will ever change that. Not one of us is alone.

Marriage Lessons...

2010-08-31T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am a firm believer that our biggest strengths can also be our biggest weaknesses.

I got a great piece of advice this week.

I am a talker, I always talk things out. This can be great because I talk through things. I am good at processing verbally. There can be a downside though. Sometimes I go to David with things that I probably shouldn't. Things that are about me. Insecurities, fears, or disappointment in myself which I project onto David. I end up blaming him, processing through things verbally, and then apologizing because it isn't really about him.

I was talking to Bethany and she reminded me of the importance of examining myself and my motives before bringing things to David.

So long story short, I learned that it is important to think things through before I talk things out.

And again, I am grateful to my husband for always extending his grace while I learn these lessons.

Saying thank you...

2010-08-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks for always being there. For being my other princess fairy tale dreamer. Thank you for believing in my dreams. Thank you for following yours. It inspires me.

Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for always being my counterpart. The adven to my ture. The one who always gets me, loves me and is ready for whatever kind of night comes our way.

I am so thankful for all my girlfriends. But tonight, as my dearest Kelly counts down to her birthday, (2 hours 13 minutes my time, and 3 hours 13 minutes her time) I am reminded how much I love her. How thankful I am for her in my life. She is a dear dear sister and friend. Although we live in different places I would drop everything if she needed me.

my dear, i hope god blesses you immensely this next year. keep following your dreams and heart. you are a light in this world. i love you more than you have any idea.

happy happy happy birthday!

xoxox

Slow down...

2010-07-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

I had a patient yesterday who was known around the floor as combative and was in 4 point restraints. It was slow and I had some extra time, so I decided to go in and help him eat. He was very confused and unable to feed himself. While in there, I realized that he had an unaddressed pain issue. He would have spasms of pain and he would grab for anything that was close to him. A couple times, this had been a nurse's hand or arm, thus the combative label. I asked the nurse if he had anything for pain ordered. He did. Twenty minutes later, he was a different man. I was able to help him get cleaned up, I shaved him, and helped him eat. At one point he opened his eyes, blew me a kiss and said thank you, before he feel back into confusion.

This is such a good lesson for me. Slow down. Keep your eyes open. Do not make judgements before you fully understand the situation. Think critically.

But mostly, SLOW DOWN. It is so easy for me to go into task mode. I forget to listen to those I love and those I am committed to helping.

I am also reminded how many people I love. I am blessed with such amazing friends and family who constantly pour into my life. I am so thankful for your love and support while I go through school. I wish I had more time. I love you each dearly.

Things I have learned since starting nursing school...

2010-07-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

1. Moms are necessary. I have had so many mental break downs, questions, fears, and little victories. My mom has been there to hear every single one. I am more thankful for her friendship, encouragement and jokes than she has any idea.
2. Friends are necessary. My girlfriends that I had going into school are amazing. They have stuck by me, prayed for me and waited patiently for me to have time. I love then times a million. And I know they are always good for some Sweet Action. :)
3. Bethany is necessary. She and I have become friends since starting school. She is an amazing lady and inspires me in so many ways. We help keep each other sane. We hike. We drink wine. We have erect statures and present bowel sounds together. We play with puppies. We have slumber parties. We survive one day at a time. She is a truly a God send.
4. My husband is amazing. He has been so understanding with my schedule and how busy I am. He has been there when I had time, and was understanding when I didn't. He listened to me worry and cry and freak out even when he had his own stuff going on.
5. Going home to Portland helps. Friends at home and family make such a difference. I had soo much fun meeting new people, connecting with old friends, seeing family... I watched my mom skydive, made my dad dinner, talked with my step dad, spent time with my Mason family and went out for a Mason girl night, and lllloooovvvveeedddd seeing my not so little sister. She is a delight. I love her so much and we had so much fun together. Crying, laughing and cuddling.
6. God loves me and likes to bless me. Like mornings I wake up to read my bible in the sun and there is a deer right there. I really appreciate that one God! Deers and bunnies always remind me of you :)
7. I miss blogging. I love it. It is such an outlet. Even if no one reads it, I still love it. It helps me chronicle what God is doing in my life... and to be able to look back and see His hand is pretty cool.

bushel and a peck...

2010-05-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

I love when I see my mom.

She is my best friend. There are two people that I feel at home around. No matter what.

David and my mom.

I love them both so much in different ways.

They are my two best friends in different ways.

While my mom was here, we had some serious fun!

I got to go out to the wind tunnel with her and watch her practice sky diving techniques.

She has recently taken up sky diving.

This is the first thing I can remember her doing for herself. For no other reason than she loved it.

I AM SO PROUD OF HER.

It was such a gift to be able to experience this with her and really be there.

We went out to dinner. We cuddled. We walked around in the sun. She got to see my new apartment.

We got to laugh. We got to talk. We got to be silent.

We got to be.

I love this. Just being with her.

and then she left.

when she isn't here, I do things that help me remember her.

like wear the socks she made me.

eat the carrot cake we got last night.

and david is gone too.

so I sleep with a stuffed bunny that I spray his cologne on.

so even when "home" leaves, I keep bits of it with me.

lights..

2010-05-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

in my life there are lights at the end of the tunnel. that is how i am breaking the tunnel of nursing school up, by intermittent lights shining in.
right now they are-
1. wednesday evenings after class where we go get happy hour and laugh and celebrate surviving another week of nursing school
2. saturday nights when i come home to a clean house, clean laundry, and the knowledge that i have 24 hours off before i have to be somewhere again
3. talking to david on sunday mornings

MY BIG LIGHT THIS WEEK? my mom is coming to see me tomorrow. i will probably cry with joy to see her. she is my best friend and i can't wait to cuddle, laugh, talk, be quiet, and do a day of life with her. i miss that. little days with her.
so yay! see you tomorrow mom!

Happy Mother's Day...

2010-05-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest lessons I have learned from my mom is courage.

Courage to look at things as they are.

Courage to say "no" to your daughter when she messes up and then to stick to your "no" when she is screaming that she hates you from the basement.

(She is sorry and considers this one of the biggest gifts you have ever given her.)

Courage to leave a situation because you believes that there is more love available and to walk that through even when it is harder than I could ever imagine.

Courage to help your daughter get help, sit and play canasta with her everyday in the hospital and courage to believe in her.

Courage to support her marriage to a man you barely knew.

Courage to create a career based on your giftings, passions and training. Courage to stick with this career even when work is slow, bills need to be paid and when it is only you and God making it happen.

Courage to look at God and embrace all that you hope and deep down believe Him to be.

Courage to ask for help when you need it.

Courage to accept a daughter as a friend.

Courage to open up to this friend with humility, honesty and grace.

Courage to try something new.

Courage to invest in yourself.

Courage to put yourself out there again and again, even when you may have tripped.

Courage to accept and believe that the trip is just another part of the journey.

So thank you mom.

Really truly.

You inspire me.

Thank you for being my Judy and showing me what it means to say "YES".

I have watched your "yes"'s grow louder and stronger. Not aggressively but with peace and love.

Thank you for helping me to believe that it can be a whisper at first.

Whispers can grow louder.

Until you yell your "yes" out-loud with the wind rushing at your face and a smile stretched wide.

happy 4 years halfway across the world..

2010-04-29T00:54:00.000-07:00

4 years ago we got married on a beach in Hawaii, with just ourselves and a judge.

4 years ago, I started the most crazy amazing blessing-filled soul-stretching adventure I could ever imagine.

4 years ago, I said yes to my best friend.

Today, I am thankful.

Today, I am still in love.

Today, I am looking forward to 44 more years to come :)

Thanks babe... you have taught me more about what God's love looks like than a thousand Sunday sermons ever could...

xoxo

Just Say No...

2010-04-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

1. Backpacks with wheels- I know that they are supposed to be good for your back. I know that they are a good theory. But there is something about them that I really dislike. And when I went to Denver School of Nursing to pick up my books, guess what they were packed in? Yep. A backpack with wheels. There is no reason for me to dislike these, but I just do. Always have, always will.

2. Ronald McDonald- He has always creeped me out. The end.

3. Flat soda- David and I try to buy 2 liters to save money. The problem with this is that sometimes he does not screw the lid back on all the way. I go to get a drink and there is no satisfying release of air when you unscrew the cap. Nothing. It is flat.. I hate to waste things. I will eat a dinner that I made that tastes gross just so I don't waste it. But I will not drink flat soda.

4. Lucky Charms- This is a love and hate relationship. When I was young my mom would let me pick out one treat each time we went to the grocery store. Lucky Charms was a common choice. Every time I would get so excited. I would pour the fun shapes into a bowl and dig in. It was so full of promise! Then I would get a bite of marshmallows. No matter how long I would let them sit in my soy milk they always taste gritty. I want to like them so much. But I just don't.

5. Having to get out of your warm bed in the middle of the night to go pee- Especially when you are in the middle of a fabulous dream. Or it is really cold outside of your bed. Or your dogs are being really cute and cuddling. It makes me sad.

Five of My Favorite Things

2010-04-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

1. Advent Conspiracy- This is something that our home church in Oregon, Imago Dei started a number of years ago. It has grown since then and there are tons of churches participating now. The idea is this-

"Christmas can still change the world. The story of Christ's birth is a story of promise, hope and a revolutionary love. So, what happened? What was once a time to celebrate the birth of a savior has somehow turned into a season of stress, traffic jams, and shopping lists. And when it's all over, many of us are left with presents to return, looming debt that will take months to pay off, and this empty feeling of missed purpose. Is this what we really want out of Christmas? What if Christmas became a world-changing event again? Welcome to Advent Conspiracy. Worship Fully. Spend Less. Give More. Love All."

In practical terms, David and I have chosen to use the Christmas season as a way to really fall more in love with Jesus, spend time with family and friends, give relationally and love those in our world who are without. We take the time we would spend running around buying things and give it as our gift to each other and our families. We take the energy that is filled with stress, and spend that energy loving God. We look at what we can give wholeheartedly and give it to others who are in need. It has revolutionized the way we experience Christ and the Christmas season.

To learn more..

2. Airport Reunions- David headed out again. We have to spend time apart as he finishes his degree with University of the Nations. Last year it meant that we were apart 6 months while he was in Australia and Kyrgyzstan. I have stayed behind while he goes to do schools to make sure we have health insurance, work and go to school myself. This spring he will be in Switzerland for 3 months, in Africa during the summer, and most likely South Africa in the fall.

Being apart so much does not work for all couples. But for us, it has brought us closer and strengthened our relationship.

I also believe that God is using this time in our lives to prepare us for the future. As a couple we are strongly committed to social justice issues. This may mean that David is called to go to areas of the world where it is not safe for me to go with him. Similarly, I would love to work with women coming out of sex slavery in Thailand, where it is not appropriate for David to come with me.

I was talking to a friend recently who said it like this... "I think it is so neat what you guys are doing because you are allowing God to figure out the details. Most people have dreams and either give up their dreams when they get married or don't get married because they can't figure out how their dreams will work into marriage. But you guys are allowing God to work out the details of what doing both looks like."

It is hard to be apart and I miss David for sure when he is gone. But it allows me to pour into other relationships, concentrate more fully on school myself, support his dreams and giftings, and draw into God in ways I forget to when he is around.

And my favorite thing is the REUNIONS. When David is around day in and day out, it is easy to get annoyed with him for little things. Sometimes I forget the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. But then he leaves and I remember. And he comes home, it is like we have a new perspective and appreciation for each other and our relationship. So yay for airport reunions!

3. Oatmeal- It is a warm, yummy, filling, whole grain way to start the day. And you can put almost anything into it!

4. My hobo "lauren" wallet- I love this wallet. It has a pocket for everything and doubles as a clutch. I can't imagine ever owning another type of wallet. When mine falls to pieces, I'll just get another one. They are little more spendy, but so worth it. And they seriously come in all the cutest colors.

Check them out!

5. My dear friend Austie- She has been doing makeup for years and is seriously amazing. She has such a deep belief that every woman is full of beauty, both inside and out. She strives to highlight this beauty. She also makes the cutest veils and other hair accessories, which are featured on my gift idea page. I am incredibly proud of her and the work that she does. She sets an industry standard for grace, beauty, integrity, vision, and craftsmanship. She inspires me daily to live the dream. If you know anyone who is getting married, needs a stylist, photographers who want to collaborate, or just something cute to stick in your hair look no further.

Debatable?

2010-04-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Warning... Sit on hands.. You may want to punch yourself in the face.

1. The werewolf story is more believable than the vampire one. I know this. I know vampires are not supposed to sparkle. I know they are not supposed to go in sunlight.

2. Edward- unattainable hot guy, jumps from tree to tree, vegetarian.

Jacob- guy next door, best friend type, gets super muscle-y in the flash of an eye, mostly shirtless.

3. Bad literature. I know. I know that she is the not the best writer in the world. I know that it is a silly story. I know that you find the books in the young adult section of your local library.

BUT I DO NOT CARE. I LOVE IT. I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

happy birthday to my better half...

2010-04-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to my best friend.

Happy birthday to the one who inspires me everyday.

Happy birthday to the one who makes me smile even when I am sobbing.

Happy birthday to the one who has taught me more about God's love than anyone else.

Happy birthday to the one who will do amazing things with his life.

Happy birthday to a man who is creative and able to touch others deeply with his creativity.

Happy birthday to the one whose hugs make the world right again.

Happy birthday to one whose advice is more precious than gold.

Happy birthday to the most patient man I know.

Happy birthday to the love of my life...

Five of My Favorite Things

2010-04-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

1. My friend Casey made numerous prank phone calls years ago. Every time I hear them, I laugh so hard I cry. Maybe it is just my sense of humor, or maybe he is a genius. Either way, he is a great guy and a good friend. Some of my favorite memories from Portland involve him, Dan, and Max. Bittersweet, but mostly sweet.

Listen and Laugh

2. Jane Austen is one of my two all time favorite authors. All of her books are wonderful, but this one is especially dear to my heart. This is the Emma that I was named after. It is one of my top five favorite books. It is a love story, a comedy, a history lesson, and the book equivalent to a cup of hot chocolate, all in one.

Buy Emma, read it for yourself.

3. This is my favorite planner ever! It is an 18 month planner, from July of one year to December of the next year. If you open it up, one side of the book has the week's dates and the other side has a journal space. This is perfect for lists, poems, ideas you don't want to forget, things to do, or a place to remind yourself to smile. The back has a removable address book, so you don't have to recopy all your addresses over each year. I looked all over this year to see if I could find a better one, and the jury is in. This is the best!

Buy your own Moleskine 18 Month Planner 2010-2011

4. Vegan Brownies, best recipe ever! They are easy to make all organic, and are totally fat free. And I have served them to David's non-vegan guy friends, and they all love them. Hopefully they are not just being nice, but you will have to try them yourself to make sure.

Scrumdiddlyumptious Vegan Brownies

Ingredients

1 cup unsweetened applesauce

1/2 raw sugar

1 tsp vanilla

3/4 unbleached white flour

1/3 cup cocoa powder

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup semi-sweet vegan chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and lightly spray or oil an 8x8 baking pan.

2. Mix applesauce, sugar, and vanilla in a medium bowl. Then add in flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Mix really well.

3. Add in the chocolate chips and mix. (I like to add a couple more than 1/2 cup for really gooey brownies)

4. Spread in the prepared pan, and bake 25-30 minutes. I usually like to bake them until I can stick a knife in the middle of the pan and it comes out clean.

Recipe originally by Chiclet

5. I still remember the day that my friend Jimmy told me that he was going to move to New York to pursue photography. We were sitting in his apartment in SW Portland... on his very clean half of the apartment. My heart sank, because he was my closest friend at that time. I told him things I never told anyone else. He is one of the very best men I know. My heart leapt, because I was so excited for him. He was, and is, an amazing photographer. My very favorite, if I was pressed to choose just one. Since moving, his dreams have flourished. His work has been featured in Nylon mag, missbehave mag, SPIN mag,Transworld mag, Urban Outfitters, and Saddle Creek Records to name a few. I recently had the opportunity to have a drink with him and catch up. I have to say that New York has not changed Jimmy, but Jimmy is well on his way to changing New York. And for the better...

Check out his work here

for the love of friends and laundry...

2010-04-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today I got a package in the mail.

It was from my friend Kelly.

In it was four things.

The first was a card from my Uncle Jack. When my Aunt Judie died, my mom and I had the opportunity to go through her things. He was thanking me for being there. There is no where I would rather have been.

The second thing was an apron. My Aunt was an avid quilter, and my Uncle wanted me to have any of her sewing things that I wanted. I chose carefully, things that I would use and that wouldn't sit in a box somewhere. Things that when I pick them up, I will remember her. She had so many scraps of fabric left over, which I wouldn't use. But I DID not want to just toss them or send them to someone who wouldn't appreciate them. So I thought, why not send them to my friend Kelly. She makes the cutest things, including aprons. We had been trying to decide what to do for all the women who helped out at her memorial, and so I thought why not have Kelly make each of them an apron out of my Aunt's fabric. That way, they each had a piece of her. And Kelly would be blessed with all the leftovers, which I knew she would cherish. This is the apron Kelly made me. Aunt Judie's fabric, stitched together with Kelly's love, and a Hello Kitty just because Kelly knows every time I look at it I will smile.

The third was a card from Kelly. If you know her, you will know what I mean when I say she is a treasure. She is one of the truest friends I have ever had. Her love for the Lord impresses me daily.. This love shines on her family, marriage and friends. I have had some of my favorite adventures with her, including riding in a semi truck to San Francisco, conquering my fear of heights, and I was beyond honored to stand up with her while she married the love of her life. In the card was everything Kelly. Just reading it radiated her love, and the peace I have when I am with her. It is like a huge hug just flew across the country... That is Kelly. She always knows what I need, and is there to give it. With open arms. Thoughtful. Soft and bright like sunshine.

The fourth, was one of her newest projects. It was a necklace. It is on a silver chain, with a bird, a pink lace bow and a little sparkle. So me. And so Kelly to think it up.

Some of my most favorite gifts ever have come from Kelly. but the best one is knowing that no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, no matter how, if I needed her she would be there.

Joel you are a lucky man, thank you for loving her. Give her a big squeeze for me... and have Ollie give her a kiss!

All my love to my Smelly Rainboot Kelly...

God, I just love you...

2010-04-05T00:16:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for so many things today...

First, I am thankful for Jesus. I am thankful that He is alive and well.. I am thankful that He is a living part of my life. Last night, I got home from taking David to the airport and having dinner with a good friend. I wanted to get on Facebook and look at pictures of some friends of ours who had gotten married that day. I felt like God wanted to spend some time with me... like it would be ok if I went and looked at the pictures but that I would be missing out on something special. I felt good about David leaving and good in general really. Usually I spend serious time with God when I am in extremes, happy, sad, you name it. But I bit. I have had enough serious awesome times with God, real amazingness, that I bit. So I got in bed and started writing in my journal. It was random stuff, things I was thankful for. I finished writing because my hand hurt... It is hard to write while lying on your stomach in bed. Try it, or don't :)

Then it happened, sure as my name is Emma, God was telling me "thank you". For me when God talks to me, it is just a thought that wells up inside until I can't ignore it. It keeps persisting, like a kettle boiling on the stove, but a kettle full of yummy hot chocolate that whistles like a cat meowing. And so I kind of started laughing inside, like for real? You are telling ME thank you? And God was like, "no Emma, let it in, thank you." So I started saying "You're welcome". And God was like "no Emma, please let it in. Thank you for going to Haiti and thank you for loving me and seeking me in everything that has followed." I was floored... And it wasn't over...

Years ago, God would give me scripture... It is kind of weird to explain. I would be sitting, praying, and that meowing hot chocolate kettle would go off with a scripture reference. It was always something obscure. Where I had no idea what the reference was and would have to look it up and felt a little crazy. Pretty cool huh? The last time this happened was probably 6 years ago. So last night, I was lying in bed and Isaiah 68 was going over and over in my mind. And I thought, really?! again... no way?! I got out my phone to look it up on my handy iphone bible, but then decided to go for the real thing. So I rolled over and grabbed my bible that David bought me. I wanted to savor this moment, if it turned into a moment... So I turned to Isaiah 68, not feeling like I quite had it right. That is because there is no Isaiah 68. In my head I didn't want it to be Isaiah 6:8, because what I remembered of early Isaiah is that it is a lot of judgement... which wasn't quite the experience that I was longing for. But I turned there anyway...

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here I am. Send me!" Sooo coool!... God had just been thanking me for being willing to go, and then confirmed it... So thank you God! Thank you for loving me enough to say thank you... When even my everything is not enough to thank you. But it sure feels good to know that You care, love me and appreciate it enough to say thank you.

Secondly, I am thankful for the continuity of life. When I was younger, I would put a lot of pressure on certain things, mainly days. Holidays had to be perfect. When David and I got married, anniversaries had to be perfect. Christmas and Easter had to be this perfect completion of my heart meeting what the day meant in perfect harmony. If anything was off, I was let down. And if everything was perfect, I was still let down because it could have been more perfect some how.

I was struck this week, with two big things. David leaving for three months and Easter. In the past, I think I have put so much pressure on David for us to have these perfect days. This time, I realized that it is not about having the last perfect dinner before he leaves, or the last perfect day... it is about our relationship as a whole. It is about the big picture. It doesn't have to be perfect. It can be messy and beautiful... and the day he left is not more significant than the week and a half before... And I don't have to be super sad that I spent the last month we had together all weird on meds, because it is just a month. And a hard day is just a day. The sum of our days is so much more...
And Easter is symbolic of the story of my life. The story of Christ risen. So if I feel goofy and happy at church on Easter and don't have a mountaintop experience that morning, it doesn't mean that Christ is risen is any less real or amazing in my life. It is the story of my life... it is the sum of the days, not the day. This holds so much freedom for me.

Thirdly, I am thankful for my puppies. They sleep with us every night and with me when David is gone. They give me so much joy and I just feel less alone with them here.

Fourthly, I am thankful for good friends and Easter dresses and big hair and Easter brunches and laughter and walks with my puppies...

Fifthly, I am thankful for my Aunt Judie. She was a seriously amazing woman. You can read a little bit about here. She is such an inspiration for me. She dedicated her life to saying yes, and traveling the world. She would have been 70 today. Her legacy is 70 today. She lives on each and every day in my life, her family's life... The choices we make every day to honor her with our lives, to live out the lessons that she taught us. I am also so thankful for my mom. I am thankful that I was able to go out and be with her during the memorial and reconnect with family I haven't seen in years. I am thankful for my mom for her honesty as she deals with the loss of her best friend. I just love her and am thankful...

Thank you God... You are truly good...

Five of My Favorite Things

2010-03-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

1. One of my very favorite things is being a survivor of anorexia. I struggled with this primarily from 2003- 2006. I have since found great hope and comfort through God, family and friends.

One of my biggest accomplishments to date was finishing the Portland Marathon in 2008. I trained for the race and completed it, maintaining my body's natural weight (that is the weight that I natural arrive at, eating well and taking care of myself). It was such a great run and symbolic of my personal journey. My best friend ran miles 7 through 17 with me, my dad met me at mile 18 and ran 3 miles with me, and my mom met me at mile 22 and finished with me. The photo is of her and I getting ready to cross the finish line. I was met at the finish line by more of my family, David and friends. I could would never have finished the race or be where I am today without them.

I have such a heart to share my story and to let other girls know that they are not alone. They are TRULY beautiful just the way God made them, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I am more than happy to answer any questions and if there is a young woman in your life who you think might be struggling, really look into her eyes before you believe her when she says "she is ok". I am sure that I will have a whole blog post about this someday, and if you look back through the archives, you will find my gratitude for my experience mentioned numerous times.

The clinic that helped me understand and heal, with a testimonial from yours truly.

2. One of my favorite things is a glass of nice wine. But to be honest, if I am out at a local bar with David, they don't usually have the greatest selection. So I have a fail-safe plan. "Bartender, I'll have a Kir Communard." If your bartender hasn't been in Europe recently, he will probably have no clue what you are talking about.

Let me explain, so you can impart your wisdom to the hands behind the drink. A Kir Communard is a drink made of a glass of red wine (any cheap table wine works best), and creme de cassis (which is a liquor made from black currants). In the Beaujolais region of France, that drink is called a "Rince Cochon", which literally translated means a pig who drinks too much. Who says the French don't have a sense of humor?

Benefits to this drink-

1) you look and sound very cultured, no matter how you say "Communard"

2) you get all the antioxidant benefits of a glass of red wine

3) it tastes delish

Now if you are in the market for an excellent glass of red wine, might I suggest any pinot noir from St. Innocent Winery? It is a small winery in the Willamette Valley outside of Salem, OR. It was well known for producing quality Oregon pinot until the review that changed it all, and is now a must try for any wine connoisseur. Try it for yourself, and let me know what you think..

Shameless plug- my dad does own this winery. But read or drink it for yourself, you will not be disappointed.

3. Getting fit correctly for running shoes. As mentioned above, I am a runner. I love it, and while sometimes I hate it, I mostly love it. I really only hate it when I am taking an ice bath after a 12+ mile run. That being said, if you are interested in running, or know someone who is... Let me give you only ONE piece of advice.

Get professionally fit for shoes. I can't tell you the number of times that I hear a relatively new, old, or seasoned runner saying "My insert body part here hurts". The first thing I always ask is if they have been fit for running shoes by a professional. By professional, I do not mean the local salesperson at the Nike outlet. I mean at a real running store, where you put on shoes, jog around feeling silly, have your gait analyzed and leave with the right pair of shoes for you. Having the right pair of shoes can save you months or years of pain and injury. If you don't believe me, ask them.

I sound like I know what I am talking about, but only because I ran for years with what I thought were bad knees. I was, in fact, suffering from a bad choice of running shoes.

Click here to find a store near you that can do the job.

4. Sweet Almond Oil. It is a delicious treat for your skin. I suffer from perpetually dry skin, even while in humid environments. So dry that lotion does not ever work quite well enough. My favorite remedy is sweet almond oil. The trick to this stuff is, it works best if you apply it directly to your skin right after showering before toweling off. Just make sure that you have some rubber grips on your shower floor, or you do it over a bath mat, because floors and oil become slippery. I have learned this the hard way, more than once. There are lots of body oils out there but this is my favorite. It tends to be cheaper than some of the others like kukui nut oil, but it works just as well. You can buy it at any natural food store, or coop. I try to shop at coops to support your near and dear economy.

Find a local coop and enjoy!

5. Friends who are successful and living the dream- This time I wanted to write about my best friend in the world. My mom. Not many people know what she does and even sometimes I don't fully understand it.

She was a nurse for many years and left because she wasn't happy doing hands on patient care. Over the years she renewed her love for writing and has turned it into a career. She has worked on many projects as a ghost writer or writing coach. This is where she helps people take their book ideas and make them into a well planned, entertaining, easy to follow book. Recently, she has connected her love for health care and writing. She now helps different organizations, or individuals, get research published in medical journals.

While it may not be fascinating to the average Joe, her hard work and determination inspire me daily. She has really created a career that is fulfilling to her and pays the bills. It has been a scary and hard road at times, but her hard work and determination are truly awesome.

You can read her less technical thoughts on her blog. Many of my friends read it regularly and enjoy her wit, style and stories.

Now that I think about it, maybe I should have her edit some of my posts? Maybe I would use less ellipses, inappropriate commas, and other grammatical blunders...

To read more, visit her blog...

God's Heart...

2010-03-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

You might be wondering why I posted a picture of Jesus riding a dinosaur.

Am I going to debate evolution?

No.

This picture helps me to remember how much God just likes to have fun with us. How while there are serious aspects to my relationship with him, he wants to be involved in the less serious stuff too. He is constantly reminding me to invite him with me when I go dancing, when I am being silly, and when I am doing life. He doesn't only want to talk when my head is bent and my eyes are closed.

In the verse above he says that he will come in and eat with us, not have a bible study, or serious theological debate.. but eat. He loves us and wants to just hang out.

He delights in the things that delight us. He rejoices when we rejoice. He thinks my jokes are funny.. I just need to remember to share them with him as well.

So thank you God, for loving me and loving having fun.

Vegan Essentials...

2010-03-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

One of my friends Kesha is going to try to go vegan in April, and so I wanted to put out a couple of my favorite vegan tips...

1. Good cookbooks are a must! Seriously... if you are just starting out and need inspiration cookbooks are the best. They are full of tips and easy recipes. La Dolce Vegan and Hot Damn and Hell Yeah & Dirty South Vegan Cookbooks are my two favorite. La Dolce Vegan has all kinds of stuff and tons of tips for meal planning, grocery shopping and even some DIY craft projects. Hot Damn and Hell Yeah & Dirty South Cookbooks are two cookbooks in one. The first has my favorite chili and cornbread recipes in it, and also my all time favorite curry recipe. These are staples in our house! The second has all kinds of fun stuff, like country fried "chicken", soups, breads, etc. If someone was only going to buy two vegan cookbooks, these are the two I would suggest.

2. Sometimes people try to go vegan or cook vegan and it ends up tasting like cardboard. The first main mistake is to think that it has to be hard or elaborate. You can usually modify some of your favorite recipes to be vegan. Have taco night, just get some soy sour cream and fry up some tofu or vegan taco crumbles for the filling.
These are some of my stand by substitutes-
Instead of meat, try:
Tofu
TVP (texturized vegetable protein)
Boca Products (They make vegan chicken nuggets, hamburgers, chicken burgers etc)
Beans
Instead of milk:
Use soy, hemp, almond or oat milk.
Soy tends to be the creamiest, but the new Silk almond milk is really good also.
Instead of eggs:
In scrambles use tofu.
In baking or cooking, one egg is equal to..
1/2 mashed banana
3 tablespoons of applesauce
1/4 cup blended soft tofu
1 tsp baking powder+ 1/2 tsp baking soda + 2 tbs flour + 3 tbs water, mixed well
You can also buy powdered Ener-G Egg Replacer at most health food stores.
Instead of butter:
We use and love Earth Balance and Soy Garden.
Instead of sour cream or yogurt:
I haven't met a soy yogurt I haven't liked, and I love Tofutti brand soy sour cream.
Instead of cheese:
Let's be honest there really is no substitute that I have found that I love. I usually just omit it from recipes.

3. The great soy debate. There are differing schools of thought on whether or not soy is good for you. Soy can be an estrogen mimicker. This is why they suggest women going through menopause load up on it. My personal view is that too much of anything is not a good thing. The same could be said for cheese, red meat, candy, sun, etc.

4. Make sure that you are getting your vitamins and needed nutrients. The obvious one is protein. Beans and rice are a complete protein, so is quinoa. You will also want to make sure that you are getting calcium and iron. Both of these things can be found in green veggies.. things like dark lettuce varieties like spinach or spring mixes, brocolli, and brussel sprouts.
This website has great ideas, suggestions and things to keep in mind.

5. Have fun with it! Think about why you are doing it...
Do you feel passionately about how animals are treated? Do you feel convicted that eating a vegetarian diet is a better use of our world's resources? Are you just trying to eat in a more healthy manner?

There is no reason that you need to be a hard line vegan. Never budging. Come up with your own rules and your own idea of what it means to you.. You don't need to fit inside lines already drawn, draw your own. That is the best way to make sure that the drawing you come up with is a smiling face.

6. Find treats that you love!
I personally love soy ice cream. I can't eat normal ice cream because I will break out in hives, which is not my favorite accessory. My favorite brands are Soy Delicious, and Soy Dream.

Also find some restaurants in your area that you enjoy going to... One of the benefits of eating at vegan restaurants is that they usually source local and organic ingredients. But being vegan should be fun! Some of my favorite restaurants in the Portland area are:
Blossoming Lotus, Paradox Cafe and Sweet Pea Bakery

In the Denver area we love:
City O City, Tsing Tao in Boulder and VG Burgers in Boulder

Any time I am traveling, I look up restaurants on Happy Cow. They have reviews and menus for vegan and vegetarian options in most any place.
This is an easy guide to find out if your favorite candies and treats are vegan. Check it out, you might be surprised!

Most importantly, have fun and give thanks to the God who gives us all creativity and the food on our plates!!!

Five of My Favorite Things

2010-03-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

1. OPI Drip Dry- This stuff is seriously amazing. You paint your nails, two coats, and top coat. Then you drip a drop of this potion on each nail. In 5 minutes, your nails are fold laundry dry. This is the only way would be able to paint my nails.. I am not very... ahhemm.. patient. It is about $24 for a one ounce bottle, and it is well worth every DROP!

Buy Drip Dry

2. Matt and Nat handbags- They are totally vegan and the liners are all made from recycled plastic water bottles. There is a little tag in each bag which tells you how many water bottles were used. Super cute, and as much as you would pay for any other nice handbag.. And they are kind to cows and the earth.

mattandnat handbags

3. CSAs- CSA stands for Community Supported Agriculture. Basically, you can buy a share in a local farm. So for example, you pay $360 for a fruit share at a local farm. Then each week during their growing season (about 20-25 weeks), you get a box of locally grown, usually organic fruit. You can do this with veggies, flowers, breads, fruit or eggs usually. It works out to $15-20 a week, which is what we would usually spend on fruit or veggies anyway. And you get to support a local farm, your local economy, and eat fresh food! Use this link to find a farm in your area.

Find a farm in your area.

4. Sweet Action Ice Cream- There are many reasons that I love Sweet Action. The first is because it is a handmade ice creamery in Denver which uses all local products. The second is that they make amazing vegan ice cream. The third is that they have the best flavors such as salted butterscotch, lavender blueberry, baklava, choco coco cupcake... the list goes on. Fourth reason is I can say to David "I'm going downtown with Alli to get some Sweet Action for $3.50!"

Sweet Action Ice Cream, Denver

5. Friends doing what they love and being successful- Each week I am going to feature a friend of mine who is being successful, following their dream, and inspiring others. This week it is my friend Corey Smith. He has been known best in the past for his snowboarding, but he is also an accomplished artist, sculptor, painter, photographer and artistic director. His pieces alway challenge the me to look at things in a new way, while pointing out the obvious. Check them out at Corey Smith Art. His latest project is The Comune. In their words "Our goal is to provide clothing that reflects this lifestyle of carefree idealism and to support the people that choose to live it." Check out The Comune at The Comune.

I can't say how enough how proud of him I am.

Reflections on Haiti...

2010-03-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I received an email from one of our Haitian interpreters this morning, where he sent this sentiment...

In Creole it means, "when you are in a difficult moment you will know your best friend".

To me this sums up my time in Haiti. It was difficult, there were lessons learned, but friendships were made and strengthened beyond compare.

In the photo above (from left to right) is Colleen, Daniel, myself, Jacklin, Richard, and our bus driver. These men made sure that we were safe, helped us with our Creole, laughed and danced with us, and shared their time. I will consider them friends always. Daniel always rode in front of our bus on his motorbike, and interpreted. Jacklin is a medical student who was one of our interpreters, and I owe to him all my knowledge of the Creole language and Haitian countryside. Richard was another interpreter and in his words "God makes some people to be doctors, but he made me to be a rapper." He was either singing or rapping almost all the time. And Colleen and I could be seen dancing anytime he was around. Our bus driver was quiet, but I was so impressed by his gentle spirit. He didn't know any English, but he would constantly offer a smile, and would always enjoy my attempts at Creole.

In this photo is Colleen, myself, Dan and Travis. Dan and Travis are paramedics from Denver that were on our team. The second day in NYC, before flying to Haiti, we went exploring in the city together. We went to the 9-11 memorial, Times Square, H&M (for me), Soho, and numerous Irish pubs. This is at one of the last Irish pubs of the night. Our group quickly bonded and stuck together in Haiti as well. We would meet every night outside of Dan and Travis' tent, eat our dinners and share our adventures from the day. They are amazing men, and Colleen and I were blessed to share our time with them.

Colleen is a nurse that I work with in Denver, and we decided to go on the trip together. She was such a God-send for me. We were at the hospital everyday, she worked in orthopedics and I was in the emergency room. We would meet for lunch in the "ping pong room" and share stories. We also shared a teeny, tiny tent. When I was sick, she took amazing care of me, giving me injections of fenergan when the oral anti-nausea meds wouldn't work. Rubbing my back so I could sleep and relax. Sharing her love and God's heart with open hands. We had so much fun together and share an experience that neither of us will ever forget. We were friends before we left, but I consider her so much closer than a friend now. I have so much respect for her as a woman of God and a nurse... She will do amazing things.

This little girl was "mon petit chere". She was my dancing queen, and the sweetest child I think I have ever met. She came in because she had swallowed a coin. It was the last day I was at the hospital, and I really wasn't feeling good. Her laughter, joy, and smile cheered me right up. Colleen, her, her mom, and I hung out in the ortho tent for the last couple hours of the day. We laughed, talked, practiced our Creole, and were refreshed. She truly was a little piece of heaven.

This was our view from the roof of the police station where we were staying. We stayed in the CIMO station (CIMO is Creole for SWAT team). We lived on the roof in tents. It is across the street from the presidential palace in Port au Prince. To the left of where the people are standing a small tent city in the street median begins. One night we were sitting on the roof talking, and heard loud singing on the street. We went to look and there were about 500 Haitians marching and dancing in the street in front of the palace. I asked one of the interpreters what they were singing and he explained that it meant "Jesus work among us." For a country with a long history of voodoo and idol worship, this was an amazing sight.

In the face of one of the biggest natural disasters where so many lives were lost, people were injured and left homeless, there is redemption. Buildings will be rebuilt. Society will be reorganized. But most importantly, friendships will flourish. Relationships will prevail, and God will work among us.

I will be forever grateful for the time I spent in Haiti and the experiences I had.

It's Snowing in Arvada...

2010-03-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

Its snowing sooo hard here. We are supposed to get 24 inches of snow by tomorrow. This is a video I took from my porch. The snow you see on our porch is from the last 2 hours. It's a wintery wonderland in March!

New Look...

2010-03-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

So I have been stuck at home feeling weird from my meds for a couple weeks, and I have 16 days left (I think)...

So I decided to revamp my blog. Let me know what you think.

Not only...

2010-03-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

I have been struck this morning with the reality that Jesus not only came to die for us, but also to live for us. We are called not only to die to ourselves, and to take up our crosses and follow, but to LIVE. I feel a little like I have been called out of a tomb. Like I have died once again to my own expectations of what my cross would look like, and now Jesus is calling me to live. Life is active, dynamic, full of breath, and mine has been marked with one characteristic throughout my life: hope.

So while I have died again to myself, it is time to live. Thank you God for calling me to pick up the pieces and begin again. It is not finished and the race is not complete. My knees are bruised and scratched, but I have refreshed myself with Your water, and am ready to run again.

I wonder what is next.

The God I serve.. My debrief..

2010-03-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

You love me deeply ♥ i know this is in the depths of my very core ♥ bathe me, wash me, flood me in Your love ♥ You have allowed me to walk to the edge time and time again ♥ each time Your grace walked with me ♥ each time Your gentle hand was there ♥ You did not grab my chin and force me to look into Your eyes, but You were there ♥ Waiting, loving, weeping, providing ♥ each time things could have been so much worse, each time guiding my sometimes resistant feet away from the edge ♥ You have always been my guardrail ♥ You always hold me close, i only have to look ♥ i never understand standing in the middle but sill You are there ♥ maybe there is nothing to understand but the depth of Your love ♥ was there a reason for Job, was there any greater good than triumphing over satan and fiercely clinging to Your goodness and love ♥ is there ever anything else really? ♥ forgive me for my fear, i step into the water eyes on You, when the waves hit the danger is real but You triumph ♥ Your hand guards me and keeps me safe ♥ forgive my wandering eyes, looking to the danger and not You ♥ and still You are there ♥ as i start to sink, You never let me drown ♥ and i cling, i cling to You and Your promises, Your love, Your arms ♥ and You embrace, You embrace me, gently brushing the hairs from my face, helping me to see You more clearly ♥ would i know Your everlasting love as deeply if i had never been afraid? ♥ let satan tremble as i will not fear ♥ let satan despair each time i look at You with trusting eyes and offer You my hand, my heart, my life, each moment ♥ let me triumph like Job standing firm ♥ let my love, my heart, my willingness add a shackle and lock to satan's bonds ♥ as i look back i am filled with deep sadness ♥ the amount of destruction, pain, loss ♥ the fear, the despair ♥ and still You are there ♥ You are not afraid, You are no stranger to pain ♥ You walk in with us, no not walk, You run, You were always there ♥ as they turn and face You in the view of satan's crumbling kingdom ♥ what a picture ♥ You reign and You work among us ♥ You used my hands, You gave me wisdom, You filled me with strength, i was willing ♥ of course satan was threatened ♥ of course he did all in his power to stop me ♥ and it was allowed, not willed to teach me a lesson but allowed ♥ it is our cross to bear, there must be allowances ♥ but You were there, You are here ♥ as i am thankful for the little mercies that are so big they overwhelm ♥ the knowledge and courage to say enough is enough ♥ the sickness that protected my heart from breaking ♥ the courage to find my way home ♥ for Your hand in mine everlasting ♥ for the deepest, fullest earthly love to come home to ♥ for my experience to change someone else's ♥ for You ♥ even now, the darkness threatens to swallow me, every moment ♥ the waves are crashing, i am standing in the middle of the storm, i walked out into the water ♥ the undertow of "what if's" desperately tries to drag me under ♥ my very being trembles with resistance ♥ i cry out for Your strength ♥ You are here, i am not alone, You will keep me afloat ♥ there is no questioning in Your eyes, only reassurance ♥ You know You have me, Your strength is more than enough ♥ there is no question ♥ help me to keep my eyes only on You ♥ You are my life, my salvation, the light that pierces through the darkness that threatens ♥ this road is long, i grow weary but i do not walk alone, it is not my strength ♥ You will provide ♥ You love ♥ in the face of satan You love ♥ when i see him everywhere still You are there ♥ still You are good ♥ still You are love ♥ i say yes, and walk another trembling step toward You ♥ deeper into the storm ♥ looking not at the risk, looking only at You, remembering the promises You made ♥ though i walk through the valley still You are there ♥ You bear the yoke with me ♥ There is rest in You ♥ where else does the brightness of Your height, depth, width, length shine more brilliantly than in a hole of darkness? ♥ how would i see Your light without the darkness it chases ♥ how would i grow to trust, really trust, except when the only answer is Your love, when noting makes senses, if there were answers there would be no trust ♥ still You are there ♥ when there are no words You sign ♥ You reveal Yourself to my heart in a language only i hear ♥ You wrap me in Your arms ♥ Your embrace caresses me like rain, the sweetest melody gently weaving into every crevice, every crack, my arms are open and they are enveloped ♥ help me to see with Your eyes ♥ help me to love with Your love ♥ help me to shout yes when my voice is a trembling whisper ♥ help me to rest, relaxing completely, melting into You ♥ let the lines, corners between You and i blur ♥ let no line, corner, edge remain for satan to grasp ♥ that his hands prove empty, grasping without success ♥ that i would shine You ♥ in a world without answers, in the face of the devil, in the midst of chaos and destruction may i reflect a steadfast rock, the pillar that You are ♥ You are the only order, peace, answer ♥ help me to shine that out ♥ as a mirror ♥ that others would see You in the midst of satan's reign, temporarily allowed ♥ refined in the fire ♥ without the flame there cannot be a purity ♥ the deeper into the fire the brighter the gold gleams, the edge between me and You blurring, the fire burns, it threatens to destroy from the inside out but purity overcomes ♥ there is victory ♥ You have won ♥ the end of the race has been decided ♥ You reign ♥ the fire is temporary ♥ the fear, the pain, the destruction, the chaos, satan's hold is temporary ♥ You win ♥ there is no question ♥ You are here ♥ again and again arrows come, sometimes one by one, sometimes the army attacks all at once ♥ You are my shield ♥ You are my safety, my salvation, my rock ♥ O come, Emmanuel, O come, O come, O come ♥ my very soul cries out for You and my cries are heard ♥ You are here, You always were, You always will be ♥ i am never alone, never forsaken, never for a moment unsafe, my salvation is at hand every moment. always in Your hands, arms, deep embrace ♥ thank You and forgive my doubting heart, again i turn to You ♥ my heart breaks that i ever take my eyes off but that You are always waiting, i am always in Your hands ♥ so merciful, so good that even in my doubting there is opportunity for my greatest desire to bring You glory and love by turning back ♥ Your goodness, mercies, grace overwhelm ♥ when there are not words enough to thank You ♥ i pray that my experiences would help others see You in the midst of their darkest scariest moments, You are there, You are good, You are love , and i am beyond thankful, humbled, speechless, breath taken away, kneeling in honor, praise and offering ♥ my life, all my soul, my days, my heart is Yours ♥ thank You for choosing me ♥ thank you for embracing my "yes" ♥ thank You.

Experience of a lifetime...

2010-03-11T03:23:00.001-08:00

So I know there has been some confusion about what happened while I was gone. In Haiti, I was working at the emergency room in port au prince. On Saturday afternoon, a 16 or 17 year old young man came in with a hand laceration. I was suturing (sewing) up his hand and stuck myself with the suture needle. When you get stuck with a needle you usually want to find out the patient's HIV status.

Unfortunately in my case the patient left before we could do this. After being stuck the usual protocol is to start post exposure prophylaxis, which is a medication regime to prevent any HIV that may have been on the needle from binding to my cells. The risk in my situation, even if the kid had been HIV positive, was about 1 in 2000. And with the meds, the risk is much much smaller.

So after being poked I consulted the doctor who was in charge of the ER. There were some prophylaxis meds left over from a doctor who had brought them and not needed them. We were unsure of the dosage I needed, so I started taking all of them. We were erring on the side of too much instead of not enough.

The side effects were horrendous. I was super nauseous, running a fever, dizzy and weak. I decided to come home a week early. The usual course for these meds is to take them got a month.

So I got a flight out Tuesday morning at 1050am. This was a week earlier than I intended. I got to the airport and at 5pm my flight still hadn't shown up. Some of my team members were on a different flight so they were able to get me on their flight.

I flew into Miami on Tuesday night and had missed my connection to Denver. So I got a hotel and a flight out this morning. When I got into Miami I called kaiser to let them know what was going on.

When I talked to the doctor she let me know that the two drugs I was taking were stand alone treatments. I was doubling my dose so it was no wonder I was feeling so sick. So I stopped taking those meds and will be starting a new appropriate dose today which should make me way less sick.

So praise god I'm almost home and I have never been happier or more thankful. A warm shower and hot food never tasted better.

We stayed on the roof across the street from the palace in the police compound in tents. It was an experience for sure. I'm so glad I went, I learned sooo much and have a much healthier perspective and appreciation for the basic comforts in my life. Especially for my OCD self..

Thank you everyone for your love and support. I could never have done this without each of you. If you have questions I am more than happy to answer them.

I have never been happier to be home., it was a really hard trip if i am being honest.. I would appreciate prayer as i adjust to being home and with these new drugs.. Hopefully it won't be nearly as bad..

See you soon...

2010-02-28T22:22:00.000-08:00

I am heading to NYC tomorrow to start the first leg of my adventure to Haiti. I will be in NYC until early Wednesday morning, where we fly to Miami and then Port au Prince.

I will try to be tweeting from Haiti, to keep everyone appraised of the situation. My tweet name is Littlemrsmason.

God is good, and I have raised about half of the funds that I need. I am feeling a lot of peace about this trip. I am so blessed to be going with a friend, to have someone to share this time with, share a cry with, and share a dark walk to go pee with in the middle of the night.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It really means the world to me. Please keep them coming. This is truly a once in a lifetime experience, and there will be beautiful things and hard things. It is such a privilege to go.

Thank you God for all that you are. Thank you for the opportunity to go, stretch myself, and stretch out my hands as your hands.

I am back in the country late on March 16th.

Love you all..

Heading to Haiti

2010-02-16T20:22:00.001-08:00

It is hard to believe it is happening... I feel so blessed to be able to do something tangible. What a privilege. I have spend the last couple days figuring out what my expenses will be, making appointments for immunizations, looking at airfare, etc. And then... I sent out support letters. It is super hard for me to ask for money, but the magnitude of the situation down there makes it worth it. It is super humbling for me... especially because I know that most people are in a hard spot financially...

I got two super encouraging emails out of the blue today. I don't think Melanie and Alyson know how much they made my day. It seriously was such a blessing to my life..

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers... You have all helped me to get where I am today. To even have the opportunity to do this.

xoxo

Right now

2010-02-09T19:33:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I last wrote and a lot has happened.

I am still trying to assess the situation in Haiti and if we can work with our contacts to come up with a solid plan of action to go down. I would be going with my friend Colleen that I work with and two guys that she knows. It has been hard to figure out the details, and we want to make sure that in going down we are helping enough to make it worth it to go down. Not for us, but resources are so strained down there right now that we want to be sure that we have a clear plan (as clear as it can be in a disaster situation) so that we are helping more than we are straining resources. I have gone from being sure that I was going to go, to be pretty sure that I was not going to go, to just waiting. This is one is still an unknown. But I am praying about it and looking into it and will hopefully know sooner rather than later...

Secondly, my aunt has been sick with lung cancer for about a year now. She has gotten worse in the last couple weeks and my mom is flying on Thursday to be with her. I would just ask for prayer for my aunt first and foremost, that the love of God would be with her and fill her with peace and hope in a very real and tangible way. I would also ask for prayer for my mom, and my aunt's family. It is such a hard time, and I pray that God would meet each person where they are. That their needs would be met and they would also be filled with the hope, love and peace that surpasses understanding during this time. I would also pray that I would be able to serve them with an open heart and be available for whatever might be needed, and that doors that need to open would swing wide.

That is all for today.. and it is enough..

Memory lane...

2010-01-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

First, yay because I got into nursing school in Denver. With the crazy wait lists it is no small miracle. I go in for the final paperwork and to take an entrance exam on January 25th. If this all goes smoothly, I will start in April. I am trying not to get too excited before I see my name on a schedule, but it is still a great step in the right direction. After all my changes of mind on a career (PR, Art Therapy, Fashion Design) it feels really really good to have settled with one that I truly love. It is not glamorous, or easy but definitely life giving. I come home from a 12 hour day still hearing the call lights ringing, and I am happy. Exhausted but happy. This is such a gift and I truly feel blessed. I am also really thankful for all the people who have supported me through these changes.

Another change to think about it..

Some who have known me for a long time, will remember when I spent a lot of time in the snowboarding industry. I made some amazing friends during that period of my life. I was really involved in the industry for years. During this time, I really struggled with my own self worth. I realized that the life I was leading made it really easy for me to base my sense of self worth on my looks and going out all the time. This was not a reflection of my friends, but of my own struggles that I needed to deal with. It was during this time that I really struggled with my eating disorder. I didn't talk about it very much, which was a disservice to my friends and to myself. I also had the experience of three close friends being involved in serious accidents, and losing two friends within a couple years. I made a pretty sudden decision to step out of the industry and the circle of friends. This was an act of self preservation. In retrospect, I can see how this may have hurt some of these friends who I love dearly. This is coming to a head right now, because a trade show that I used to go to every year is coming to Denver this month. The last time I went to this trade show was right before I pulled myself out of the industry. I also went with a dear dear friend, who is now in Peru undergoing treatments to reverse paralysis. So there are some emotional strings pulling right now..

I am really looking forward to seeing old friends, and connecting again. I wanted to explain why I left that circle so suddenly, and say thank you to some people who had a huge positive impact on my life who may not know it.

Rian- I really mean it when I say thank you. You have been such a good friend to me over the years. When we first met, I don't know if I have ever told you how much I looked up to you and admired you. You were a strong woman in an industry that was male dominated. You were a great example of how to be yourself and respect yourself. Over the years our friendship grew, and I am blessed to know you and be friends with you. You are an amazing, strong, beautiful, intelligent and inspiring woman. Thank you for always supporting me through the good and bad.

Clayton- When I think about our friendship, I am so thankful for all the times that you really looked out for me. Whether I was 16 and young, or just moved to Seattle with you as my only friend up there... You always kept an eye out for me. I appreciate this more than you probably know. You have been a great friend and almost an older brother. I always felt super safe when you were around... I wish nothing but the best for you. I can't wait to meet the woman you end up with because she will be amazing. You deserve nothing less... Thank you for always including me..

Corey- It has been awhile... To call you a friend is a blessing. Thank you for your encouragement over the years, and your support. You have also been someone who also looked out for me. You have such enormous talent, raw talent. Your art and vision is amazing in its own rite. It is not because of what you have accomplished in the past, but your drive for the future. Please don't stop creating and finding the things that give you life. I am also excited to see the woman you end up with. My prayer is that she would really truly adore you for who you are, and not "who you are". Thank you also for the way that you have embraced David. It means a lot to me.

Jimmy- You have always had the most amazing heart. Your vision and gifting with photography are amazing and your success was expected, at least by me. But your heart and the man that you are is just as amazing. Thank you for your friendship over the years, and your encouragement. You were there for me during some hard stuff and it means more than you know. Thank you.

Josh- Little brother. Are there words? Thank you for being the best little "brother" a girl could ask for. Really and truly. I wish you nothing but the best and am so thankful for long talks, slumber parties, and all the fun we have had. Come visit any day.

Austie- Thank you for everything that you are. We have almost been to hell and back. At least hell on earth. And we came back. Both of us did. By His grace. Thank you for your friendship. You understand pieces of me that others will never. My prayers are with you daily. Strawberries, champagne, and love. xox

Teresa- You are a constant inspiration to me. I am so blessed to know you. Thank you for your drive to live and love.
*Teresa is in Peru undergoing treatments currently. To view her story, and donate please visit http://peruvianproject.blogspot.com/ . She is an amazing woman. Her story will bless and inspire you.

Missy- Thank you for being such an amazing role model for me through out my life. When I was younger, you embraced me and invited me into Exit. This was such a great place for me to spend years of my life. I was so blessed to be apart of your life, and to see what a strong, driven, successful woman looked like. And how she could be all these things and still be soft, kind, generous, and beautiful.

Liz- Thank you for always being such a support to me. Through the good and the bad and the ugly. We have shared so many laughs, cries, hello kitties, cheap wine, and memories. I appreciate it more than you know. You are an amazing woman and I am so proud to call you friend.

Chare- Thank you for the example you set for me as well. You played a huge role in the developing of my faith. This has made such an impact in my life and I will be forever grateful. You welcomed me into your life and Exit with such open arms. For years you were the older sister I had always wanted. Thank you for looking out for me and for your grace.

Alison and Jasen- It has been years since I have seen either of you. Thank you for the family you created for me in Seattle. Jasen thank you for always watching out for me. You encouraged me and saw potential in me that I didn't see within myself. Thank you for the opportunity to work with you... It was such a blessing in my life.

Melissa- Your friendship means the world. We don't see each other all the time, but your honesty and faith amaze me constantly. Thank you for everything that you are.

The biggest thank you goes to my family-
Mom, dad, Anne... Thank you. There are not words to explain the effect that your love and support have had on my life. Thank you for all that you are and all you have been in my life. It leaves me speechless.

There are too many people for me to thank in one blog... Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my life. You have blessed me more than you know. Thank you for the opportunity to grow up in your presence, for the laughs, the support and the friendship.

The long and short of it...

2010-01-03T15:07:00.001-08:00

After much heart searching and thinking, I have decided to not do the Austin Marathon in Feb. Doing 10+ mile runs stopped being fun. I have been training at marathon level since August and am burnt out. I love to run, and I especially love to run because of the awesome times I have with God running. But I have been dreading the long runs, and the high mileage each week. I have decided to do the kind thing for myself, which is to cut back. I realized that I had all these irrational fears like, if I'm only running 20 miles a week I won't be in good shape, and if I stop running as much as I am I will lose my fit body. These are untrue. I also realized that I had subconsciously been planning on just running marathons one after another. This is not only not good for your body, but for me with my past, not so good for my mind.

I realized that there was not a right or wrong choice. Do I stick it out until Austin, or do I let myself be done now? I realized that the only reason I would stick it out is because I thought I had to. The choice was whether or not to choose the kind thing.

So I am cutting back. Running three/four days a week and one long run at the max 10 miles. It is my prayer that I will find the joy again.

Merry Christmas!!!

2009-12-25T13:05:00.000-08:00

So since I last wrote, our little group of Arvada family has disbanded. Keeley heads to Japan for outreach, Chey to Thailand, Alli to Columbia, and Granger to Ireland. I will miss them tons, but am so thankful for their presence in my life. My thoughts and prayers go with them and their outreach teams. They will have amazing adventures and I know God will meet them there everyday. So good!!!

I am also reminded that David will be leaving again this year. Another 6 months apart but then he will be done with school. I am excited for him and look at this separation with much more peace. I also find myself joyful and excited for him to be done with school.

Lastly, I am home. I spent Christmas eve with the Mason family and woke up Christmas morning to little girls screaming with excitement. It was so fun to watch them with their presents, remember Christmas mornings with my family when I was little, and look forward to seeing my mom and dad. I am constantly blown away by the amazing family I have. My Green, Byrnes, Vlossak family, and Mason family. Some people are lucky to have one or two family members they even speak to, and I am close with all our family. SUCH A BLESSING.

I know that today isn't really Jesus' birthday, and that it was most likely in summertime, but I am thankful all the same.

For God SO LOVED the world...

Keep on keeping on...

2009-12-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

These past couple weeks have been the weeks of running shoe drama. I have bought the same running shoes for years. I just buy the same shoe over and over. I was fit professionally for shoes probably 3 years ago, and these shoes eliminated my hip and knee pain which made running so much more enjoyable. Well, I went to a running store which is a half hour away (the closest one that carried my shoes), and I got there just as they were closing. I picked up another pair of the same shoes I always buy.

I came home and proceeded to run in them. After about a week and a half the nagging pain in my right calf was getting worse and not going away. I thought it was because I had almost tripped, but then remembered that the pain started when I got my new shoes. This seemed weird to me, but I talked about it with David and we thought well maybe I had just gotten a fluke pair of shoes.

So I drive out to this running store again. I am informed that they changed the shoe. They put me on a treadmill and recorded my feet running. We then looked at it in slow-mo and realized that my right foot was WAY over pronating. This would explain the mystery pain in my right calf. So I found a new pair of shoes, bought them and came home a happy camper.

I took about a week of running until my leg stopped hurting. I ran three times this week. Two 3-mile runs. They were uneventful, but I was a little worried that my shoes were too big. They just didn't seem to fit quite right. I started out on my third run of the week. Another 3 miles. This is my most routine run, and always my shortest of the week. I made it about 1.25 miles and had such bad pain in my foot because they were too big and the arch support wasn't in the right place. So I walked 1.25 mies back to my house, got in my car and drove out to the running store for the third time.

I got a smaller pair of the same shoe. It fit much better. I usually go up a size in shoes to allow for swelling of my feet on runs over 15 miles. But apparently, what fit in my old shoe did not fit in my new shoe. I again waited until the pain in my foot was totally gone. I was going to run this morning. Until I looked out at a wintery wonderland.

1. Usually I love running in the snow.
2. Running in the snow with an increase in fall risk is not a good idea when you have come close to an injury twice in two weeks.
3. I miss running and feel kind of crazy when I can't get out.

BUT... I was reminded of a couple of really important things. The first is that I love to run because of the amazing times I have with God on my runs. I had been losing sight of this a little, so it was a nice reminder.

The other one has to do with the way that I look at myself. Having struggled with ED for quite awhile, running was something that was given back to me. A gift. I think it is easy to feel good about myself when I am running and in great shape. When I stop running, Satan tries to sneak back inside my head with his lies about what I look like and who I am. (Ps- I do know that not running for two weeks does not mean that I am not in good shape. This knowledge has been a process as well.)
I have been in this place before. But this was the easiest time for me. I had a couple "I'm not running therefore I am fat" thoughts. I immediately shared these with David and we both acknowledged how these thoughts were lies. But other than those couple thoughts, I have been doing great. Usually, it is a constant nagging of thoughts that I try to ignore. Like a dripping faucet that does not go away. This time, it was like I had visitors knocking on the door, looked out the peephole, decided not to let them in, and went right back to my day. Thank you God for how FAR you have brought me... You are truly amazing, and the healing you have done in my life and heart is precious. Thank you for who you have created me to be, and thank you that I am beautiful in your eyes. And that I can believe that I am beautiful. THANK YOU. Really and truly.

2009-12-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

This always refreshes me... To listen to the video's music, just pause the playlist at the bottom of my blog. Enjoy..

Another Reminder...

2009-11-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

I was reminded this morning that it is SUCH a blessing to have friends and family that I miss on my birthday. My family is so close and I love them so much, sometimes I forget that not everyone has this blessing. Even though I miss them, it is nice to have them to miss.

xoxoxo

ps- Happy birthday to me. I am exactly one half my mom's age this year.. Pretty fun! Thanks mom!

Reminder...

2009-11-29T00:16:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine told me tonight..

"I just want to find someone who will love me the way David loves you. He loves you no matter what."

That is so true. He is such a good man and loves me through my sillies, my accidental mean-ness, all my issues, all my growing stages, he just loves ME, the way I am.

This is something to be SO thankful for. And not to take for granted.

Thank you God and thank you David..

thankful...

2009-11-27T22:09:00.000-08:00

I am thankful that I am feeling better after spending Thanksgiving afternoon on the floor of my bathroom. I sent David out to enjoy the dinner Keeley and I had prepared.. We had plans to all meet at the Gray's house that afternoon. I made it about 30 minutes before I admitted defeat and went home.. but David came home that night with a whole Thanksgiving feast of leftovers. That was very very exciting the next day. I sampled (tested my stomach) on the items to see if they were safe.. I started in order of importance.. Obviously, tofurky and pie came first. Then last night I had a mini T-dinner. It was fun.

I am thankful for my husband who has been so nice the last couple weeks. He took such good care of me when I was sick. I had to convince him to go to dinner, and that no amount of his love or presence has going to help the bathroom floor get softer, or my stomach feel better. He then braved the mall with me and Alli yesterday to go to the Hello Kitty store. I obviously needed some kind of hello kitty adornment for my badge for work. Ps- my badge picture is so cute. I never get cute pictures on important pieces of ID, but this one is cute. David got me some stickers and Alli got me Hello Kitty earmuffs. They are amazing..

The badge... It is official.

I am also thankful for my new job. I went to orientation last week and can't wait. I think it will be perfect. Nothing can be totally perfect, but I think this will be pretty close. It is a non-profit hospital, and is a Catholic hospital.. The Catholic thing is awesome because it is faith based, and well.. I wanted to be a nun in fourth grade, so I feel at home. They also have a great attitude around mistakes made in health care. Many institutions make it very hard for employees to come forward with mistakes that are made. This hospital encourages their employees to come forward quickly, with the belief that competent health care providers can make mistakes. This helps mistakes to be corrected quickly and fosters an environment of trust.. So yay!

Also, I am thankful that it is my birthday weekend. This is the first birthday I think that I have not spent with my family. I was trying to figure out why it felt weird this year, and not so birthday-ish. But every year, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I always spend it with my family. My family feels like birthday. David has been awesome and has helped so much, and he is my family too... It is just a weird experience, and now it makes sense that I catch myself feeling a little blue. But I am pretty sure that knowing why is the first step towards feeling differently. It is just weird to not be home for Thanksgiving, go by the open house at my dad's winery, see Rheese for his birthday, and spend a day with my mom and sister... And more recently spend time with David's family. I just miss all of you. But I'll see you soon for Christmas! That's fun.

I am thankful that we get to come home for Christmas. To friends that are reading this, I'll be honest. I won't really have friend time when I come home because I didn't take much time off.. and will be spending the time I do have between my three wonderful families. The Masons, Green-Byrnes, and Vlossaks. We'll get to celebrate my grandpa John's birthday while we are home, which I am SO looking forward to! yayayay!

So I am thankful...

sunday morning thoughts..

2009-11-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

1. Happy birthday Alli! You are an amazing woman.. I pray that this next year will be touched by God's grace and love each day. There are so many cool things coming up for you in life, and I am excited to walk through them with you. xoxo

2. I start my job tomorrow! Thank you God!

3. I booked my tickets home for Christmas... lots of time with family, and I am so excited!

4. My husband amazes me with his grace. There has been so much going on for him, and he is just inspiring in the way that he processes. But the biggest thing, which truly amazes me, is that he doesn't let his stress effect the way that he treats me. This is crazy to me... if I am even in a little bit of a bad mood, I end up apologizing for taking it out on him. This is something that I am constantly working on. He has this amazing ability to face the storm, and still be the best husband ever. THANK YOU! I really can't say how thankful I am for this. And on a hard weekend where I am sure he really needed some time to rest and process, he gave Alli and me one of the most fun days I can remember.

5. For the first time since David and I got married, I went to a snowboard function last night. My good friend Rian was in town, so I went to see her and catch up and get/give big hugs! It was kind of surreal. I felt like I had traveled back in time and was living my old life all over again. Except I am a different person...

6. I am so thankful for restored relationships in my life. Asking for forgiveness and being responded to in love and grace is such a gift.

7. I would like to never say another negative thing about my husband, or give him a hard time in front of others. I respect him so much and am so proud of who he is... but when I do that I know that it hurts him. I don't ever want to hurt him. The funny thing is (which is not so funny) is that when I say something it is about my insecurities and really has nothing to do with him. I really really want to be WAY better at this. Every time something slips out, I HATE it, and wish I could just shove it back in my mouth... but I get caught up in my own pride and insecurities... God please help me to show my husband the respect and love that I have for him at all times... I don't know why as women sometimes we bond by making fun of others, or saying hurtful things in jest. I know that he will forgive me, but I don't ever want to take advantage of that... so... I will keep working on this.

I hate when the lessons that I need to learn hurt others in the process.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2009-11-11T20:06:00.001-08:00

Some of my favorite memories with my mom this last year...

Meeting her and Anne at Red Robin for dinner.

Top life memory- finishing the Portland Marathon with her. It brings tears to my eyes literally when I see this picture.

Getting ready to do the turkey trot at the zoo together..

Christmas morning

Precious time together...

My mom is an amazing person. She is my closest friend. She inspires me everyday. She makes me laugh. I am also so proud of her for so many things...

I am proud of her for her bravery. She looks at life with a vulnerability and willingness to learn that creates opportunities for growth and love.

I am proud of her for being so hopeful. She has dealt with many things in her life, and she continues to have hope in life and God.

In the past couple years she has opened her life to God and His love in a huge way. I am so proud of her for this and for the courage this takes.

I am proud of her that when she is in situations and she sees the scary option, it seems like the only option to her, and she choses it.

I am proud of her that she chooses love, healing and forgiveness time and time again in her relationships.

I love my mom's sense of humor.

I love my mom for passing her sense of humor on to me. When David sees us together, he tells me I make more sense.

I love my mom's hugs. She is great at giving hugs.

I love the way my mom makes any place she lives a home. She just puts the best mix of home juju in everyplace she is.

I love my mom's honesty. Sometimes it is hard to hear, but it is always in love.

I love my mom's baking. She is a FANTASTIC baker, and she makes me yummy vegan cookies at Christmas... She always remembers my favorites.

Thank you mom for always believing in me. I know I made it hard sometimes.

Thank you mom for sitting and playing canasta with me for hours in the hospital. That was such a hard time, and it meant more than you know to just have you there.

Thank you for running with me and supporting my running.

Thank you for welcoming me into your life as an adult and for letting me into your life.

Thank you for asking the hard questions.

Thank you for listening to the answers.

Thank you for letting me share my faith with you even when you didn't understand it.

Thank you for trusting me.

Thank you for always being there when I need to talk.

Thank you for giving just the advice I need.

Thank you for loving Anne so much.

Thank you for not being perfect, but being the perfect mom and friend.

I love you so much...

Thank you for everything you are.

Here is to another year...

My prayer is that God would continue to bless you with his unending love, grace, and peace.

You are SO deeply deeply loved...

PRAISE GOD!

2009-11-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

My license is up and active in Colorado... God is so good!!!

Thank you God, love your daughter Emma.

update...

2009-11-10T07:23:00.000-08:00

So... I resigned from my job yesterday. On top of everything else, they were asking me to do things which are outside of my scope of practice. After confirming that this was the case, I resigned. If I continued working and did what they were asking, I could have lost my license. This puts the pressure on, in theory. I don't have a job until my license gets approved. But I kind of feel like the pressure is off.. I am out of a bad situation and waiting on God. He is always good, and it will work out.

There were a bunch of warning signs that where I was working was not going to last... Having to report them to the department of health and being asked to do things outside of my scope of practice. So really it is a relief. It always feels good to stand up for what you believe... even in little things.

So.. Here I am waiting... Waiting on Him... And He is Good!

2009-11-04T11:28:00.000-08:00

God is good and it will all work out. I know that to be true. I am so grateful to my mom and mother in law for their prayers and advice...

Thank you God for your hands and feet in my life..

still waiting...

2009-11-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

So, today I called the Colorado Board of Nursing to check on my application status. After two days of vms to the woman assigned to my license, I finally spoke with her. My excitement and hope quickly dwindled. I asked her if she could tell me whether or not she received a piece of paperwork that Oregon mailed back last Monday. She said she could not. I then asked if she could tell me whether or not she received a fax that I sent her this Monday. She said she could not. She said that I needed to wait. She then said that it could take two weeks from receiving my paperwork to have my license up. Mind you, I originally submitted my application on October 16th, and the website states that it could take 7-10 business days for my application to be approved. Here it is past the 10 business days... I have no idea if she has everything she need to receive, so I don't know if I need to resend any of it. I asked if there was anyone else I could talk to, and she again said no and that I needed to wait. I then let her know that I am waiting to start a new job, and my license has to be approved first and if there was anything I could do to speed the process, and she again said no.

She then told me to have a great day.

I got off the phone and started crying. Currently, I am only scheduled at my job to work three days a week for the month of November. This is NOT enough to pay our bills. I am also being asked to do things that are outside of my scope of practice as a CNA, which makes me really nervous, because I am going to have to go back and say no when I work next. I was hoping my license would be up so I woudn't have to deal with that. So I am frustrated and scared. I know that God will provide and that it will all work out. But right now, I am crying.

I am just putting this at Gods feet and begging for some peace, strength and patience. I really need it.

and today is the day off where I was supposed to relax and take care of myself... I am going to try my darnedest because no amount of worry or stress on my part is going to change anything.

Oh yeah... God please let the hospital job still be available when my license is finally up.

Love your little scared daughter,

Emma

fast run...

2009-11-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I ran 3 miles in 25 minutes and 11 seconds... This is under Boston qualifying time pace. It is the first victory on my journey to Boston... yayay!

waiting...

2009-10-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Marathon photo... Just in case you were waiting with baited breath :)

I am still waiting for my paperwork to be received by the state of Colorado. Oregon mailed it back to Colorado on Monday.. It is hard for me to be patient and fully invested where I am, but it is good for me... I just hope that the paperwork goes through soon so I can stop being one foot in and one foot out. I also pray that the job at the hospital also sticks around and waits for me too :)

Say a prayer if you have a chance.. For peace (for me), expediency (for the paperwork), and patience (for my new boss).

BEST DAY EVER!

2009-10-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

I made vegan carrot cake, and went running in the snow! So fun! Loved it... Seriously sweet times while I was running... But it made me think about those who are cold today... Definitely said a prayer and wished that I could do more...

After my run... so happy!
That is my running foot gear. Running shoes, plastic shopping bags and yak tracks.. So good, my feet were warm dry and on steady ground :)
Yes yes it was, touche...
Under a tree.. So happy.. Its beautiful!
The only footprints in sight are mine! yay!

This is my amazing running gear courtesy of my friend Melissa and my wonderful father in law.

It was beautiful outside..

2009-10-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is a two part mission-

Part one-

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=160354753286

Part two-

http://apps.facebook.com/causes/381407?m=0767ddc6

Vulnerable like a homeschool kid's first day at a public school...

2009-10-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like I just sent a dorky child off to school for the first time. Like my mom says, I feel vulnerable. God put a ministry on my heart quite awhile ago, and I stepped out in faith. Today I published a group on facebook for it and invited ALL of my friends. Not just the friends I knew would appreciate it, but ALL of them.

That being said, I feel vulnerable, but exhilarated that I am following through with something God put on my heart...

This is the mission for the group I started..

This is a story not about me. It is a vision brought about by listening to God, arguing with what He said, and then listening again. I believe that God gives us each passions to use for His glory, and to share His love. I used to believe these gifting and passions had to be profound and grand. The more I listen, the more I believe God desires to redeem and use the small things.

My passion is running, I love it. I used to run for myself. I grew up watching my dad run the Portland marathon every year and always wanted to run it as well. I used running as therapy. I ran when I was stressed, sad, angry, happy, victorious... I would just start running until I couldn't worry anymore. I ran to find myself. I ran for other's approval and praise. Then I couldn't run. I struggled with an eating disorder and running just wasn't healthy anymore. God has since given running back to me. I found healing and health through seeking His will in my life. When I started running again, I would give each run to God. I would spend time in prayer. I would listen to music that called something deep in me to worship the One who gives us life. My reasons for running changed.

Now, I firmly believe that running can be so much more than pounding the pavement for myself. What if as a community we ran for something more...

Think of the impact it could make if we joined together to run in fellowship and prayer. Could we as a community of athletes bring a genuine a sense of God's presence and love to running events? How would it transform the neighborhoods we run through if we were in constant prayer for them, interceding for each family? What if we took the chance to run with other people, investing in them and building heartfelt relationships? What if running was no longer about us? So I say, let us take the opportunity to reach out to a broken and hurting world, sharing freely the love of our Maker.

I don't know what this will look like. I don't know how God will work.. but I know that He wants to. I have committed to running the path He has called me to. Pray with me...

We will run for Him in praise and service. We will run for each other, our families, our friends, our communities, our world... We will run for dear lives...

2009-10-21T16:49:00.001-07:00

When I watched this it brought tears to my eyes...

2009-10-21T16:47:00.001-07:00

One of the best things I have seen in awhile...

2009-10-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

I finished the Denver marathon. I did it a little slower than last year at Portland, which is hard for me. It is tempting for me to be disappointed in myself, but there are a couple reasons why I am choosing to be proud of myself instead.

1. Finishing a marathon is a HUGE accomplishment!

2. Last year when I started running my pace was almost 30 seconds faster than when I finished, which means that I didn't do a very good job pacing myself. This year I was more even. I started 4 seconds per mile slower than when I finished. The biggest difference in my pace was only 14 seconds overall, which means I was much better at running steady.

3. Last year, I trained for 18 weeks. This year, I only trained for 10 weeks.

4. Last year I ran the highest elevation I ran at was 150 feet, this year the marathon was at 5,262 feet.

So, I am proud of myself. It was a huge accomplishment.

I also realized, how hard it is for me to run fast. I enjoy running at a comfortable pace. I know that the longer I run (time training, not distance) the faster I run. I get more comfortable at my current pace and distance, so I run a little faster. I had set a goal of qualifying for Boston this year, and I don't know if I will do it. This is harder for me than deciding to qualify and pushing myself, or deciding not to. I like to have this decided, ambiguity is a struggle for me. I am going to enjoy running, and do the traveling to different cities to race, and if I qualify great, and if not there is always a next time. In my head, I justify doing things that I like by setting goals. Ie, it is ok for me to travel to different cities because I am trying to qualify for Boston. That is my usual mindset. Thank God, that God has been showing me that I can want to travel to do marathons in other cities just because I want to. Not because I have some pre-determined goal, or reason why it is ok. Just wanting to is ok. Amazing huh? :)

Also, tonight it cool. David's feelings were hurt over laundry. I had asked him to do laundry a couple days ago because I knew I was going to be tired. When I first asked him, I asked him to do one small load. Over the past couple days it grew to three loads. I neglected to tell him that this had changed from a small favor to a bigger favor. When I approached him tonight about the laundry, I did more demanding than asking. His feelings were hurt, which I totally understand. I know that when I am doing things that are hard, like asking for help with things, I tend to approach it a little harsher than I would like to. I apologized and felt really bad. I felt like I wanted to cry because I was beating myself up about it so much. God then reminded me that it was a mistake, and not on purpose. I had apologized, and done what I needed to make things right with David. God reminded me that I didn't have to beat myself up. It was ok, I made a mistake and could let it go, learn from it and move forward. Thank God for God.

God has been really asking me to step out of my normal routines and reactions lately, which is so great and hard. I am thankful for it, as it is an answer to prayer, but get caught up in the walking it out sometimes. Another example I don't want to forget because how God works through it will be great and I want to remember it.

Here goes-

I got a job at a hospital in Denver, through a friend who works as an RN there. This job is huge for a couple reasons. It is hard to get a job at a hospital as a CNA, they do tuition reimbursement, and it is easier to get into a program here being employed by the hospital. One catch, when I interviewed, I didn't have my CNA license yet. I still had to fly home to Oregon, take the test, pass the test, get my license online in Oregon, and then apply for a license in Colorado. Based on time estimates on all the various websites, I should have had my license in Colorado by the 28th of this month at the latest. The catch is that when I went in to drop off my paperwork at the Colorado Board of Nursing, they told me they were back logged due to a rush of RN license renewals. It would probably add another 1.5-2 weeks to the process. Meanwhile, I can't officially even be offered the job at the hospital until I have a license in Colorado. I also don't want to give my two weeks at my job until I know when I will start my new job. Also, I hope that they can wait for my license to fill the position. God has me in this limbo of uncertainty, which usually is the most uncomfortable place for me ever. This time, I am more ok with it. It is still hard, but way easier to trust God's love and goodness. Instead of being worried, preoccupied, and upset tummy over it all the time, it is more like a little sore in the back of my mind that I try not to think about. Yay for processes! :)

*another part of this is that David will have to do some outreaches coming up and with this job I don't know if I'd be able to go with him. But God is good and it will all work out...

My trip home was so good. I got to spend some quality time with my parents, and with David's parents. It was crush for my dad, so he was busy but I drove out to the winery and we spent a couple hours just together. It is amazing to see how much my dad has slowed down over the years, the fact that we can even carry on a conversation at this time of year is a huge answer to prayer. I got to spend some time cuddling with my mom, running with her, laughing with her, and having long talks. All of which are food for my hear and soul. I spent time with Anne, and am amazed every day by the beautiful young lady she is. She is more grown up every time I see her. I am so blessed to have her as a sister. I got to spend some time visiting with David's mom and dad which was so nice. His mom and I can talk for hours, and it is such a blessing in my life. His dad and I got to go to the Nike employee store, which was so much fun! Thanks again Melissa! We were like kids in a candy store.

I am home again in Denver, and happy to be here. My mom told me today that my aunt Judie just got the blanket that I made for her. She has been fighting lung cancer, and I embroidered a blanket with quotes about sisters around the edges. It was for her and my mom to cuddle in. I stitched prayers into that blanket, and I just want both of them to know how deeply loved they are. Another battle with perfectionism here. It was not a beautiful end product, the embroidery was good but I couldn't figure out the best way to stitch the two sides of the blanket together. I was tempted to keep it until it was perfect. But I didn't make it to be perfect, I made it out of love and it is certainly filled with that. Aunt Judie, if you ever read this, know that I love you so much and just hope that every time you cuddle up you know how deeply loved by me and God you are. Really and truly. God's heart breaks at what you are going through and His love pours out for you. It is not "His will" that this would happen. You are so deeply loved.

It is almost time for bed... It is easier for me to write just like I am writing in a diary. I think it will be fun to look back over the years and see how God has answered prayers. That is one part of the future which is certain.

Home...

2009-10-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

I love being home. I always feel like there isn't enough time. But I am also excited to get back home. Colorado home. I love it there also. I wish my mom and my friends could be moved over there.

I'll write more later.

The marathon is on Saturday. I am ready. I feel good.

The end, Love Emma.

10 things that happened this week...

2009-10-03T16:51:00.001-07:00

1. Went to an interview at a hospital in Denver, got a job offer... I still have to pass my boards in Oregon next weekend, and then get my license transferred to Colorado..

2. My husband came home after being gone a week. I missed him. I am glad he is home.

3. My friend Alli is moving up to the mountain next week to staff a DTS. I am really excited for her. I think it will be a great opportunity to bless the girls in her small group. She is an amazing lady and has so much wisdom to give these girls and she will be blessed by them also.

4. My little sister is growing up so fast. She went to lunch with David and two of our friends. She really is a lady. She is amazing. This hit me again this week.

5. Completed another 20 mile run. This run was better and easier than last week's 20 miler. I also listened to Greg Boyd and Patrick Dodson teachings on my run... so good.. really truly. Go listen. Now :)

6. My mom came back from Atlanta. She was visiting my aunt. My aunt is an amazing woman. I am so glad that her and my mom got some quality time together.

7. My puppies had bones again for the first time in a year. They were so happy. They hid them, stole them from each other, gnawed and gnawed and gnawed..

8. We saved $100 a month by signing a longer lease. Yay! Blessings... Thank you God!

9. We are going out tonight and spending some time with friends... Laurie and Michele her roommate (who have the best vacuum known to man), Alli, David, and his friend Matty from when he lived in Perth.

10. I am finally posting the recipes from last week...

Here goes..

Zucchini Bread

2 bananas

1.5 cups sugar (I used raw sugar)

0.5 cups oil

0.5 cups applesauce

2 tsp vanilla

3.5 cups whole wheat flour

1.5 tsp baking soda

0.75 tsp baking powder

1.5 tsp salt

3 tsp cinnamon

2-3 grated zucchinis

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Liquefy banana (using a food processor, blender or anything else you want to do liquefying). Add sugar, oil, applesauce, vanilla and mix. Then add the rest of the ingredients and mix. To get proper texture add soy milk (about 0.5 cups). Pour into two bread loaf pans (greased), or cake pan. Cook for 50-60 minutes or until you can stick a knife in and pull it out clean :)

Cranberry Apple Bran Muffins

1.5 cups whole wheat flour

1 cup wheat bran

0.5 sugar (I used brown sugar)

1 tsp baking soda

0.25 tsp salt

1.25 cups soy milk

0.25 cup apple sauce

0.5 banana liquefied. Use same method as above :)

2 tbsp oil

1 tsp vanilla extract

0.25 cup cranberries (dried or frozen)

0.5 cup diced, peeled apple

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Oil muffin pans, or line with paper liners. In a bowl, stir together the flour, bran, sugar, baking soda, and salt. Then stir in the rest of the ingredients, until well mixed. Spoon evenly into muffin tins. Bake 30-40 minutes or until knife comes out clean.

Red Lentil Soup

1 turnip diced

1 small potato diced

1 small onion diced

1 cup red lentils (dry)

6 carrots diced

3 cups vegetarian broth

1 tbsp olive oil

salt, pepper, basil, oregano to taste

In a pan saute onion and carrot in olive oil until onions are see through. Add other ingredients and bring to a boil. Turn down to low and simmer for about 45 minutes, or until lentils are cooked. Use immersion blender or other blender to blend soup until smooth. Be careful when blending hot soup :)

Makes two large or four small bowls.

Potato Leek Portabello Mushroom Soup

2 leeks diced (use only the white and light green parts)

2 small potatoes diced

2 portabello mushrooms diced

2.5 cups vegetarian broth

1 tbsp olive oil

salt, pepper, basil, oregano to taste

In a pan saute leeks and portabello mushrooms. Add the rest of the ingredients, bring to a boil and then turn down to low. Simmer for 30-40 minutes, or until potatoes are cooked. Use immersion blender or blender to blend soup until smooth.

Tomato Basil Soup

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can tomato paste

2 cups vegetarian broth

2 shallots diced

1 tbsp olive oil

salt, pepper, basil, oregano

Saute olive oil and shallots. Add in rest of ingredients. Then follow the rest of the directions from above :)

Love Emma's culinary side..

xoxoxo

Updates...

2009-09-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

Life is good...

My husband is home. I am happy. He had fun in Portland. Alli is moving to the mountain, and while I will miss her, she will be blessed. Granger and her new roomie are great! We had the Lange's over for dinner tonight and it was so fun. They bless us so much..

Love all of you..

xoxo

I'll post recipes maybe tomorrow..

Lessons...

2009-09-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

Lately God has been doing a lot of really cool things in my heart. It is kind of like He is showing me who I am starting at the very beginning.

Lesson One

I was running a couple of weeks ago in the rain, and God just started telling me all these cool things.

For many years I have wondered where this desire to be perfect has come from. It is more than a desire to be perfect, it is a fear that if I am not I am unloveable, unworthy, and without meaning. As a psychology student, I thought that it had to be something from my childhood because this fear goes as far back as I can remember. While running, I was thinking about this again. I realized that this fear is not a product of my parents, or situations when I was a child. God reminded me that since I was a very little girl, Satan would whisper lies into my ear. Lies about who I am, and where my worth comes from. He told me over and over again that to be perfect is the only way to be ok. Well, Satan, I have news for you!

Being perfect is not only unattainable, it is also not God's desire. It is crazy how easy it is to write that sentence, but how it took me 25 years to learn that truth in my heart. BEING PERFECT IS NOT ONLY UNATTAINABLE, IT IS ALSO NOT GOD'S DESIRE.

God has been showing me that mistakes are not even really mistakes. They are just choices on the road I walk with Him. My deepest desire is to please God. I always heard in church that when we make "mistakes" we make God sad. I no longer believe this. While God wishes to protect us from pain, and is saddened when we create pain as the consequence of our choices, we don't disappoint God. As His daughter, my daily aim is to walk with Him and walk toward Him. He did not create me to be perfect, and in fact if I was perfect I would have no need of relationship with Him. He knew that I would "mess up" when He first spoke His love to me. Every time I make a "mistake", it is an opportunity to turn back to God. He has been telling me how much He loves this lately. Every time I stumble, I look at Him thanking Him for being there. No amount of stumbling will ever change this. And this totally makes God so happy! He loves it... He not only loves me, He loves the authenticity of our relationship and that I am not perfect. Wow! What freedom... Freedom from Satan's biggest lie in my life so far.

Lesson Two

God also has been showing me that when I walk in who I am- In my imperfections, stepping out when He asks me to, in not knowing exactly where I am headed in life at all times- then He gets to be who He fully.

How cool!

When I stop trying to be perfect,

When I take risks, sometimes messing up,

When I am vulnerable, and step out in faith,

When I follow Him not sure of where I am going...

When I do those things He steps in and is fully God in my life because I am allowing Him to be. It is kind of like when as a wife I try to follow David, and give him room to lead. Or when two people are trying to dance, they each have roles, one leads and one follows. God calls me to follow Him, to step out in my imperfection, etc... and at those moments He is right there being GOD in my life in all HIS GODLY GLORY.

I love it! It literally makes me want to cry and laugh and dance and scream hallelujah!

Lesson Three

God has a heart to change the church. I have had many experiences in churches where I felt like the agenda was not God's agenda. I realized that it is much easier to walk away from churches where I feel like that, than to stay and try to make a difference. I really can see David doing some amazing things in this area. His mind is so theologically driven, that he could give many a pastor a run for his money. I think everyone would learn something along the way.

Lesson Four

I have had the experience lately where many people I know have been getting married. For some reason this has really bothered me. These are friends that I have known at a distance and have not been close to. More acquaintances than friends. I realized that I still have a lot of hurt from my past. In high school, I was super insecure. I didn't really feel good enough to be friends with anyone. This resulted in me making some not very Emma decisions, and lying to be cool. You know how people would say, you don't have to lie to be friends? Well I was convinced I needed to. The people I was friends with, I never knew if they liked me or the me that I pretended to be. This really breaks my heart when I think back on it. I was so scared. I felt so unloveable. It was a really rotten way to feel, and I felt that way for years. It started at the public high school that I went to. There was a group of people that I always wanted to be friends with, but never was. I threw my infamous beer party, to try to get into that group. It didn't work. Knowing now that some of this hurt is still there lets me open the door for God to heal it. I realized that the reason that these weddings were bothering me was because they were these people that I had wanted to be friends with, and who I always thought had the perfect life. It was like their weddings marked another stage of their perfection that I am not apart of. In reality, I don't even have a desire to be friends with these people any longer. But I always felt less than when I was around them. Inadequate is a good word. I realized that I was comparing myself still... IT IS SO WEIRD. I hate how Satan can get in your head and mess with you... I hate that he messes with me for years and I am not even aware of it. I am over it. I am ready for God to speak into this particular area of my life. I am excited to see what happens, and how my heart softens and changes.

I decided that I am going to take these people off my friends list on facebook. I don't really know if this is the right thing to do, but for whatever reason certain people still make me feel inadequate. I know in my head that their lives can't possibly be perfect and that they are not better than I am... but Satan really uses their little life updates to throw me for a loop. This is a lie and I am not going to give Satan one more opportunity for the past to be my present. I think that this whole inadequate thing also ties into my past quest for perfection. I am sure that there was a desire to be friends with everyone and that if I wasn't I had somehow failed. Weird lies again.

sorry that last one was a rant, but I need to clear my head and get it out in the open. It is weird but it is kind of embarrassing to be that open and honest about it. But a friend Jami has a blog where she is honest about everything... I admire this so much in her, so if it is ok for her to be vulnerable, I am going to be too...

On a totally unrelated note... I am going to running the Denver marathon in a couple weeks. I am really excited. I am using it as a training run for trying to qualify for Boston in January in Phoenix. We will see...

Man, writing that all out is tiring. But it feels good. I have been meaning to and there is peace with having it out in the open...

wow... done... for now...

feeling weird..

2009-08-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what is going on these days.. I have this weird feeling like I have never lived like this before. I also feel kind of like I am walking through a dream...

I don't know if I feel like this because God is in control more than He ever has been before, or because there is something else I should be doing...

Lord, I want nothing more than to do your will... Please show me your path and grant me your peace..

pictures from our trip home, anniversary and my little garden...

2009-08-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

This is an updated picture of my garden. I think that I am basically a full blown farmer.

Proof of my farming skills. Do you see the little baby cucumber? I am thinking about naming him.

And look at my little peppers. They are so cute, like little squat-y round peppery things.

Our dear friend Alli blessed us and so we went and had an anniversary dinner at City o' City. They make great vegan pizza and we had so much fun! And then our server gave us a piece of free coconut cream pie (vegan of course) and it was delicious!

An upside down three made of ranch dressing for three years of being married!

Aren't we cute?

It was our 3 year anniversary from our wedding yesterday. We had so much fun together. Dinner and just hanging out... I love my husband so much and am so blessed to be married to him. Each day we learn more about eachother, become more vulnerable, and discover more love for eachother and more of God's love for us.

The puppies were worn out... little tired babies...

Meggie and I tired after a great night of bestie time while I was visiting Portland..

Me and Meggie's matching toesies... besties have matching toes usually I think.

Look how beautiful my little sister is!

And a very happy belated birthday to my father in law!

We love you so much...

A little update- I have been training again. My work schedule gives me about 3 hours in the afternoon after work before I pick David up from school. It makes running super easy to fit in. The time I spend running is some of my most precious time with God. God has given me a vision for a running ministry. I will post more on that later... I also decided that this a good year to try to qualify for Boston. I am going to run the Denver Marathon on Oct. 18, and then keep training and run another marathon in January. I am going to try to qualify in January. We will see how my knees hold up... It is sure fun to dream about... Even if I don't qualify it is still such a blessing to be able to run at all...

I love you all....

xoxoxo

Family, heartache, and blessings...

2009-08-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Two weekends ago we went home for David's dad's 60th birthday party.

Before we headed to the beach for the party, we had breakfast with my sister and my dad. It was so nice to be able to visit. We went to this little place in Salem that I used to go to with my dad about 20 years ago. It was so fun to have David and Anne with us. My dad is slowing down (in a good way) and enjoying the things he has worked so hard to create in his life. I pray for him constantly, just that he would know God's love and peace in a new way. The feeling of being caught up in these is indescribable, and I hope my dad experiences that. Anne is growing up into a beautiful young woman. We have switched from baby sister and big sister roles, into friends. This is such a treat for me. Our fun and adventures are just beginning.

David's dad loves the Beatles, so that was the theme. There was a great cover band, and we danced the night away. I spent some quality time with my sister in laws, nieces, and David's parents. It was so good to see them. I got really close to them when I was living with them while David was gone.

David had to fly back to Denver on Monday morning for school. I stayed home until Wednesday. I spent my time with my mom and Meghan. It was so good to see them. We don't have to do anything special, but we always have fun. They refresh me.

I also had my first real pregnancy scare. It took us about two weeks to figure out what was actually going on. I am fine and I will spare you the details. David and I had been planning on waiting another 4ish years to start adding to our family. The two weeks were long enough for me to be scared, fall in love with the idea of having a baby in a new way, be crushed and relieved that I wasn't pregnant, cry, feel confused... David was great. He just was there for me in such a huge way. He would just hold me while I cried... I am a blessed lady. I was more vulnerable with David and God then I have ever been, which is SO good. It was hard, but such a blessing. The consolation prize was that David and I get more alone time... More time to travel, see where God takes us, strengthen our foundation, and enjoy each other before adding a child to the mix.

I am also working SO much this week. 5 days in a row, which as a CNA is hard and exhausting... And yesterday I worked 12 hours, and tomorrow I work 15. It is great to have some more money coming to pay the ever accumulating bills, and I am so thankful to have a job that I LOVE in this economy. So I will be and am tired, but blessed.

Update...

2009-07-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

I know everyone was worried and I just wanted to let you know that I think my garden survived just fine...

Hail...

2009-07-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

There was a crazy hail storm last night.. My first thought was actually, "I wonder if Jesus is coming back". It was super overcast and tons of lightning, so the sky would just light up periodically... My poor little garden got damaged, as soon as David was able to go outside and move my plants he did, but I am not sure how much they will thrive after this...

And I had a baby pepper growing :(

Other than that, things have been busy. Work is super hard and trying but I am constantly amazed by how blessed I am in my life. Even on a hard day, at least I can toilet, feed and dress myself. It is such a privilege to be able to love on these people. I truly do love them...

God is so good, and is constantly revealing himself, and his love to me... And I keep making amazing girlfriends...

yayay!

And I am going to be home this next week, Monday through Wednesday!

A long time coming

2009-07-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have written. We are in Denver now, actually outside of Denver in Arvada. The journey out here was long, and full of driving. David and I had so much fun though. We have been rediscovering how much fun we have together, and I am rediscovering what a wonderful man I married. When I am always with him, I struggle to remember and focus on all the things I love about him, and how great a husband he is. I get frustrated with little things and nag, instead of being thankful for all the wonderful things he does and is. The 6 month break has reopened my eyes and realigned my focus. This was one of the things I prayer for while he was gone and God is teaching this reality to my heart.

We settled into our apartment and then began a long, annoying journey to getting internet. It seemed like at every turn something went wrong. But finally we have it, and David did such a good job being patient with Qwest and calling them for hours at a time trying to get someone out here to set it up and getting them to follow through with their commitments. It was so nice to let him take care of things. I realized that I got really good at being self sufficient while he was gone. When he came home I would get offended and angry when he wanted to take care of something. I finally realized that it was a shift for me to give up control again. He is so capable and it is such a blessing to have a husband who wants to take care of things for me. Why do I fight it so much? I have such a hard time giving up control, and the people it is hardest to give the control to are the ones who are the most trustworthy. Namely, my husband and my God. I constantly struggle with this and it is my deep desire that God would continue to break my heart of this habit. I would rather have a broken heart than keep things from God.. but in the midst of life I try to grab the reins again and again. I have a deep fear that if I give up control my life will fall apart and people will see me for who I really am. A girl who struggles and desires to follow her Lord and is afraid to disappoint anyone. My fear to disappoint others is a spot in my life that Satan loves to grab onto.

I have been struggling since we have been here. On one hand, I love it here. I love being here with David. I love the weather, flowers, our apartment, the friends we are making, seeing David thrive in the YWAM community and the peace I have about bring here. On the other hand, being here is bringing out all my insecurities. I have a fear of people not thinking that I am a good enough Christian. Even saying it out loud, or typing it, seems ridiculous. I know how silly it is and that none of us are "good enough". However, telling that to my heart is a whole other story. Growing up in a home where I was the only Christian, and going to churches where the other kids in youth group knew all the bible stories was the first time I struggled with this. I knew the intense love and desire I had for God, but felt less than because I didn't have the intellectual side down. I worked for years reading the word, and trying to learn all the right ways to pray and the right things to say, so that I would sound good. At the same time, deep in my heart I feel like all the teachings and theology in the world won't change my love for my Father. These things are important and will help me learn about His truth and will... but since I was a young girl, the most important thing will be that I love Him and am His, and that He loves me... I have known this to be true, but at the same time felt like I need all the trappings and knowledge for others approval. This is so not God's heart for me but something I was so trapped in. There is a constant tug between knowing God and being so enraptured by Him and my fear of what others think of me. I still am trapped, but trusting desperately and holding tight to His hand. Being in a small Christian community brings up all these fears. I haven't done a DTS, which is the basic training school for YWAM, and I am surrounded by people who have been in missions for years. On one hand, I feel way out of my league, on the other, I know that there is no such thing as leagues. I don't know if this is my pride or where exactly this fear stems from. I just know that I am really reaching out and pushing myself. David is constantly saying that he prays that I would have more confidence in my walk with God and my faith. I truly do lack this confidence. Even admitting that makes me feel self conscious, because I know that in Him the confidence comes from Him and not from me... But I still struggle. I find myself afraid that I will say or do the wrong thing. Even writing this right now my heart is pounding. But I am refusing to let Satan have me alone in this anymore. The moment I let myself be alone and ashamed about something, the enemy has a victory because I begin to feed the lies. I am pushing myself, and putting myself out there... I am trusting all that He is... It is scary...

I read a blog post by a friend who was so transparent about her feelings and fears that it inspired me to write this. If she can do it and be ok, and I can still love and respect her, maybe the same will be true for me... I am holding on to this...

Heavenly father, my daddy... I love you so much. So much. It overwhelms me sometimes. Please be with me... Please soften my heart, and teach me your truths so that I know them in my heart... Know them through and through... no matter what the process looks like... Thank you for being with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your patience. You are SO good.

I really do love it here. I am really committing to being transparent with who I am and where I am at... I am really trying...

comings and goings...

2009-06-24T22:43:00.001-07:00

David is home. It was the best ever... better than I could have ever imagined. Now we are getting ready to head out. Thank you to everyone who came to David's going away party. We really appreciated each of you coming out... Mondays are hard, but it was great to see you guys. Now my wisdom teeth are out and I am all drugged up. If you want to come visit me, please feel free. Tomorrow is our last day in Portland.. I am sad and excited all at the same time. And I feel like I am in a drugged cloud. Goodnight... I LOVE YOU ALL...

And God is so good and so faithful. More so than I could have ever ever imagined.

Thank you God...

xxoo

COMING HOME!!!!

2009-06-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I had a great weekend! Jon and Joyce got home and I was happy to not be home alone anymore. It is lonely watching the Bachelorette and Say Yes to the Dress without Joyce. Saturday we had Meghan's bachelorette party. I will not give you all the details, but let's just say that it was a "classic Meghan and Emma evening". We had so much fun! Best friends are priceless. On Sunday, I went to meet my dear friend Liz and watch her husband and some other bikers race at the Alpenrose Velodrome. She brought her chihuahua Ruby and I brought the girls. It was a chihuahua meet up. Fun fun fun :)

Two days until David gets home! All of my nervousness and anxiety are gone. I am so excited to just see him, smell him, feel safe with him... The list goes on and on... Yayyayayayay!

I can't wait!

I am so thankful for God's faithfulness during this time. God has gotten us both through it and really provided for us. My friendship with Meghan has been a God-send... I don't know what I would do without her.

DONE

2009-06-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

I am done with school for the term. All of my nursing pre-requisites are done. It feels so good. I finished my CNA class and now all I have to do is take the state test. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to go to school. As hard as it was for me to do school and work, I am deeply blessed to even have the chance to work so hard.

Thank you God! I can't wait for the next chapter...

more of God's provision...

2009-06-07T18:54:00.002-07:00

So many little and big blessings...

I went out last night in Denver to the People's Fair, with a friend of David's Carly, who is fast becoming a good friend of mine. It is like a big farmer's market, with bands, food, booths, and wine. We tasted wine, listened to music, and I got to meet some of her friends. The weather was perfect and we had a great time. We then tried out a restaurant called City O' City, which is a great vegan place. It will be David and my new staple I am sure. We walked all over downtown and I am getting more excited to move.

I signed a lease on my place, and got a job.

I went to bed last night and set my alarm and turned the ringer all the way up. I set it for 5:30 so that I could get up and get to the airport for my flight at 8:30. I woke up at 6:45 with no recollection of an alarm going off... I was out of my room in 7 minutes, and made it to my gate without rushing with 20 min to spare. I then got on the flight and I was in the very last row. You know the one where there is no reclining seats? Well I was sitting there watching the plane fill up. I was in the middle seat in my row. I watched people getting on and noone sat by me. I got to lay down and sleep the whole way home. Normally I would offer to let someone take one of the seats to give another row more room, but today it was really nice to just enjoy the little gift.

Thank you God!

I am so excited for Meghan's wedding and for David to come home...

yayyay!

And I got to see my mom and sister today which rounds out a great day...

and...

2009-06-07T18:54:00.001-07:00

I finished my post and picked up my bible for my evening dose of His love, guidance, comfort, peace.. His everything which is all I need.

I read a couple things and felt like skipping towards the end of Psalms. I started on Psalm 134.. In this one there are the words:

"He makes lightening for the rain; He brings the wind out of His treasuries... Praise the name of the Lord, Praise Him, O you servants of the Lord... You who fear the Lord, bless the Lord.."

It amazes me that people can look around creation and miracles like lightening and not see His hand all over it... Lord please use me to help others see your love and the life you bring.

Little blessings everywhere...

Thank you God!

2009-06-07T18:53:00.001-07:00

so... God is GOOD! Of course He is. But now I know it again.

I was working last night and missed a great thunderstorm because I was helping a woman shower. I love thunderstorms. I got home and the power was still out. I had to leave for Denver this morning and I didn't know what airline I was flying on without being able to check online.

I was also not sure if picking up my rental car would go smoothly because we have had some awful experiences.

I woke up this morning and the power was on. I checked on my flight and Meghan picked me up. We made it to the airport with no problem. I checked in and then went to wait in line for security. The woman there pulled me into the express line, for no apparent reason. So security was a breeze. I got on my flight and had a seat between me and the person at the window seat. I love aisles, and everyone loves some extra room.

I got to Denver and picked up my car NO problem. I then drove to Arvada, and went into Target to use their bathroom to change for my job interview. Sometime during the day I had to find a shared credit union with David's credit union so that I could deposit some money in his account. There was a credit union next door to Target and it was a shared branch :) Mission accomplished.

I went to my job interview, and got the job. It is for home care, and basically they will call me and offer me assignments and I can take them or decline them. So I can work as much or little as I want. I don't have to worry about having to find a job. I want to look for something else, but I have a backup plan, which in this economy is amazing.

I went to the apartment and it is way closer to David's school than we thought. Another blessing!

I got to my hotel and took a nap. I got up and went to run an errand. My GPS had stopped working in the rental car, so I went back got a new GPS and exchanged my rental car for one that was easier to drive, again NO problems. I was driving to a Whole Foods I found for dinner, and there was an awesome thunderstorm! God gave me one. I totally felt like it was a little present just for me.

Everything is working out. Sometimes it doesn't and God is still good. I am just feeling amazed at all the little ways that He blesses me...

thank you God you are so good. I love you so much.

Heat and Goosebumps...

2009-06-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time. I was stressed about bills, and then found out that Oregon was not going to pay me for my time that I missed when I injured myself at work. I had already taken a draw for the wages, and now need to pay that back. Then night before I had gone out into the garage to get something, and was surprised by a big raccoon who was eating the cat food. I went out yesterday morning into the garage, and realized that there were big muddy raccoon footprints everywhere. He had had a field day. And then after a long busy day at work, I had a mom who was so unpleasant, that I actually thought about climbing over the counter and taking her out. It usually takes a lot to make me angry. A LOT. But this mom had me fired up for 2 hours.
I decided that what I needed was a run and some time with God. I went home last night, and turned out the lights in the room with the treadmill, made myself a mix of worship music and started running. Each song, each verse, came to life. I felt God’s peace and love wash over me. I found myself praying for the mom who had made me so mad, and asking for forgiveness for my anger. I had no right to be angry. I have no idea what is going on in the mom’s personal life, and maybe she was having a bad day. Regardless, I should have reacted with love and grace.
For those who don’t run, the miracle that happened last night may be hard to understand. I ran five miles, at a pace that is almost a minute faster per mile than I usually run. Even though I was running so hard, I was able to literally yell the words out of the worship songs I was listening to. I got to one song and listened to it probably about 10 times. There is one verse where she sings, “go up to the highest mountain, lift up your voice with strength, and sing behold your God He comes with power.” Even though I was running and sweating, each time I heard these lines goosebumps covered my body. I was exhausted and filled with the Spirit...

I was reminded again of how much I need God, and how much I love Him. I fall so short, every day. It literally makes me want to cry sometimes. My prayer is that I would be bold in sharing His love and power.

“And then we will sing the glory of the Lord, all eyes will see the Glory of the Lord…”
Some day His glory will be shown to all, eyes will not be able to look away… Help me to share your glory with those I am close to.

sadness and excitement set it...

2009-05-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

This morning I got an email from a close friend who just found out that her and her husband will be buying their first house. This is so exciting, but it made me want to cry. I realized that I have been so busy with school and work this term, that I didn't even know they were looking for a house. And she is one of my dearest friends. I then realized that when I move in a couple weeks it is going to be even harder to stay up to date with those I love. This is really hard for me. I have a handful of girlfriends, who are like sisters to me. I care about them probably more than they know, and it will be so hard for me to be away from them. They are people I don't neccessarily see everyday, but if something happened I would drop everything to help them out. My closest friend will get married the week before we leave, and so I'll miss out on the first couple years of her marriage. I also am going to miss my family so much. My mom, she is my best friend, and I have more fun with her than anyone else. My sister, watching her grow up, especially the last couple years it has been such a priviledge to be part of her life. My dad, he has made an effort the last year or so to come up a couple times a month and we do dinner. These times are priceless to me.

At the same time, I am so excited for David to come home. 20 days. It has been 5.5 months since I have seen him. I am looking so forward to being able to actively support him in school and while he follows his dreams and the life God has called him to. It will be fun and we will have countless adventures. The one thing I know for sure is that I have no idea what it will look like. Which if you know me well, is amazing that I am ok with it. But I am more than ok, I am excited. I am excited to have God take the reins and to follow my husband.

Life right now is bittersweet.

This weekend I am throwing a bridal shower for my best friend, which should be fun.. I'll update pictures soon. I even have some of me in my scrubs, I look like a nurse :)

ALMOST...

2009-05-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

So... David is almost home. I love it! I can't wait. God has been so faithful since I last wrote. I am not nervous just excited. Not scared, just so happy to see everything God has for us. I have been so busy busy busy.. I have been working 35 hours a week, and doing 16 hours of clinicals on top of that. I have been working, eating and sleeping and trying to squeeze some fun in there.

This last week I was so blessed. I got to spend some time with one of my dearest friends, and have so much needed girl time. My friend Ginny is so special to my heart, and I love our time together. I wish we saw each other more.

I also got to meet one of David's close friends from before we were married. She was visiting Portland for work. I picked her up for church, and we had so much fun. I could talk to her for hours. She has an amazing heart, and it was so nice to meet her. She lives in Denver, so I am really happy to have a friend there.

I also found a couple of places that are potential apartments for David and I when we go. I am going out the weekend of June 6th, so that I can scope them out, and possibly go to some job interviews if God provides the opportunity.

I wrote my last paper for my online English class which feels great. The end is in sight my friends! I have been working full time and going to school full time for the past year and a half. I am ready for a little break.

So now... I am watching the bachelorette season finale with David's mom. That is another huge blessing in my life. It has been so fun to live with her and his dad. I am so blessed to have such wonderful new parents. In addition to my amazing parents. I don't know how a girl gets any luckier.

Let even my breath be a prayer

2009-05-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

There are so many reasons that I am praying right now.

*I have been being attacked by Satan with regards to David coming home. As I let one little thought pass without prayer I can feel myself getting more anxious. Satan tries to constantly get me to worry... He knows all my weak points and my biggest fears. Sometimes I will be so worked up over a fear that I forget that it is all a ploy from the enemy to get me to turn away from the promises God has given and the character of my husband. I am constantly bombarded right now, and am growing weary... But I will press on. God has blessed me with an amazing husband and I will hold true to the Lord's promises. I will not let the enemy prevail.

*I think that because of my stress level and being on edge alot of the time, I have been less patient with others. I find myself being petty and making comments about others. I hate when I do this. It is such an ugly habit. I have no business commenting on anyone else.. especially about the unimportant things that sneak out of my mouth. I wish I could just put duct tape on my mouth when I am feeling stressed because the ugliness comes easier then. But by the wisdom of God, He didn't make duct tape for my mouth. He gently reminds me to act and speak in love and come to him with my worries...

*My best friend is getting married in June. I am so excited for her. I am just praying that God will bless her and her fiance during this time and that they will continue to see God's love and hand in their lives. They are a beautiful couple and she is a dear dear friend to me. I am also so sad to be leaving her this summer. I just pray that we can stay close, as she is so close to my heart... Again the worries.. I know we will stay friends..

So as I go through my day, my prayer is that I would constantly be in prayer. Drawing close to God and constantly being reminded of His love, promises, and peace. He is SO good.

I have been so bad... But I have not forgotten...

2009-05-03T20:34:00.000-07:00

Things have been so busy. For those of you that do not know I have been working full time and going to school. At the end of this term, I will be a licensed CNA. One step closer to being a nurse. It is amazing that I have such conviction that this is the life that God has called me to. He always seems to call me to the things that I feel so unworthy of, and the things that I could never do alone. I decided years ago that I was bad at science and could never be a nurse. But God in His grace has called me here, and I have worked my way through all my pre-requisites. Now to the applications. I just pray God would open His doors. I will wait.

David has now been gone for 4 months. The joy I have watching what he is doing is indescribable. He has such a heart for the Lord and the people of the world. It constantly takes my breath away and inspires me. It is such a humbling gift to walk this journey of life with him. He is safe back in Australia from Kyrgyzstan. He has put many pictures up on facebook, and they are beautiful. When he left I though that God would be spending all this time changing David's heart, and really showing him who he has created him to be as a man of God. (disclaimer- David didn't have anything wrong with his heart. He has just been seeking wisdom and direction from God in leading our family.) I was constantly praying for David. Well again, God works in the way I don't expect. God has moved mountains in MY heart. God has shown me so many ways that I can be a better wife and love my husband more fully. More in the ways that David needs. God has shattered all my pre-conceived notions of what a good wife is. He has reshaped this picture, and it has been the hardest process of my life. But I hang on to God and his promises with all my heart.

In preparing for David coming back in June, I have been thinking about all the cute clothes that I want to buy, and all the things that I want to buy for him. At church today, I was so convicted. When I was younger, I placed my value on looking the right way, having the right clothes, having the perfect body... This is an area that has been a theme in my life. I was thinking that of course David would love me more and be happier to be home if I looked just perfect. This is so not true. Once I thought about it, all Satan's lies were out in the open. I know David loves me even if I am wearing a paper bag and gain 5o lbs. Not that I want to go to that extreme, but even so. Also with being so busy with work and school, I have been watching alot more trashy tv. I realized again that this has such a huge effect on my attitude towards myself. I put more pressure on myself to look perfect, or at least what popular culture thinks is perfect. The funny thing is that I don't even agree with the general standard of beauty, and yet I get sucked in. Until David gets home, I am going to fast from tv and all my entertainment magazines. I have spent so much time filling my mind with these things. I am going to give that time to God, reading his word, and reading some of my favorite books about who God is. And praying for David and our relationship as we adjust to being back together. I know we have both found ways of coping with being apart. For me, I get so self sufficient. I am praying that God will soften my heart and that I will be able to let David step back in the leadership role that he was created for and does so well...

I promise to write more faithfully.